My heart sinks. My chest tightens.
What the ever-loving fuck has Alexei gotten himself into?
5
ALEXEI
“If you wantthis, you’ll have to do things you won’t enjoy. Things you may find repulsive.”
Preston’s words have haunted me since I first reviewed the photos I captured from the Saints’ notebook. He warned me, and I’ve walked in on them enough times in the middle of one of their rituals to know what they’ve had to subject themselves to. But it was easy to agree when I didn’t know the extent of what I was signing up for.
Now it’s staring me in the face, the sequence of events I have to get through, how involved the process is. I can’t help wondering if that’s one of the reasons Preston keeps putting it off.
As if seeing these pages isn’t bad enough, I know Matteo looked at them too. I’ve seen him around our floor at the dorms and around campus since Sunday night, and he’ll look at me, but we won’t talk. He must think I’ve lost my mind. That this is all nonsense. And maybe that’s better than knowing the truth.
Although, it sucks. I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together. Even just goofing around at Malcom’s was nice. It’s too bad because, if not for this, maybe we could have beenfriends.
On Wednesday after classes, I find a voice mail from Dad, so when I get back to my dorm room, I return his call.
“Hey, buddy,” he answers as I plop down on my bed. “How’s your week going?”
“Eh…tough.”
“You’ve had a few tough weeks recently.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
Just like he doesn’t realize I’m lucky to even be alive after that night in the woods with that creature.
“What’s that mean?” he presses.
It’s a fair question, but one I can’t answer. “Only that I don’t know that they’re gonna get any easier anytime soon.”
Stop being so bleak, or he’s gonna pry.But it’s a struggle, especially talking to him, because a part of me just wants to blurt it all out, tell him what I’ve been involved with,whyI’ve been involved. But if I said anything, I doubt he’d feel much differently than Matteo.
As we catch up about our week, I tell myself I’m not gonna bring Nick up. That there’s no reason to. But I can’t help myself. Now that I have my hands on something that might help me learn the truth, it’s all that’s on my mind. “Been thinking a lot about Nick recently.”
He quiets.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, Alexei, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t bring Nick up. Ever. He brought so much joy into our lives, and it’s nice to remember those times.”
“Brought.”I didn’t even mean to call him out on usingthe past tense; it just came out.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“Yes, you did,” I mutter as the tears well in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Alexei.”
But I know he’s not sorry for how he worded it, just for how it’s affecting me.
A cruel pain sits in my gut, a knife steadily twisting. All those signs we posted. All the posts we updated online with different photos. Hoping…wishing for answers.
“No, I understand,” I say. “I know I’ve been an ass about that in the past. Some days I think it’d be easier to tell myself he’s gone, but I can’t, Dad. He wouldn’t ever give up on me. Not unless he knew for sure there wasn’t a chance of finding me.”
“That’s true,” Dad says.
