Keeg had done a number on me by making me fall for his beautiful soul.
“Coming, coming,” I said, opening the door to see Keegan standing outside, his arms folded, and damn, why did he have to be wearing that cap at just the right tilt that made the beauty of his face impossible to ignore, especially with his tense jaw, accentuating that bone structure that was just to my taste.
“If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.”
His biceps flexed as his arms tightened together. “I’m coming in.”
He started inside, pushing right past me, clearly not giving me any choice in the matter.
The forcefulness of his words and entry were sobering.
I closed the door behind me as he reached my living area, where he assumed the same position he’d been in outside, as if he’d rehearsed some sort of fighting stance before coming over.
“Keegan, what I said last night…”
“Oh, why would you think I came over here for that?” His tone dripped with sarcasm and the anger he was clearly trying to project my way. He took a breath before continuing, and I made up my mind to give him a chance to say his piece, something I hadn’t given him the privilege of the night before. “I’ve spent my life with people underestimating me, thinking they were doing what was best for me. Trying to protect me like I was some kind of child.”
The way he spit out his words, with such honesty and conviction, was impressive. His confidence had always intrigued me. Although, I’d never seen him display anything like this before.
“Keegan—”
“No, I think I get to talk this morning, since you got to say what you wanted last night.”
I hadn’t realized he’d intended to go on, but I had no intention of stopping him, because he was more than right about the moment he deserved.
“I talked to Nance about that time with my father.”
“Really? Oh my God, Keegan. That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.”
We both stared at each other for a moment.
And it pained me to be in this space with him when all I wanted was to take him into my arms and congratulate him, but I knew I’d created this barrier between us. I could see his dissonance with my words as he assessed my expression, as though he could see that desire and wanted it too.
But damn, how I’d fucked things up.
“I guess I’ve finally realized how much secrets eat away at a family,” he said. It was obvious that he was talking about my family and the years of damage we’d done through carrying our secrets. “And how much that moment had always hurt because it made me feel like Nance didn’t think I was strong enough to handle the truth. Everyone’s always thought because I’m five foot seven and a half and act all happy-go-lucky that I’m fragile or something, but I figured, after everything we’d talked about, everything we shared, you of all people would have understood that I don’t need someone who thinks he knows what’s best for me. That’s not for you or anyone else to decide. I decide what I’m tough enough to handle and how I choose to spend my life, and just as important,whoI get to spend it with. I know I’m young, as you made a point of emphasizing last night”—I knew a dig when I heard it—“but I’m old enough to know that a relationship isn’t about you getting to think everything in that head of yours and then making decisions for both of us. If something’s on your mind, you put it on the table and discuss it. Talk it out.”
“I’m sorry, I—”
“I didn’t come here for an apology. I came here to tell you that I thought you were different, that you could see me for who I really am, but if you think that person is some fragile glass ornament you’re worried about breaking, then you don’t know me at all. And if you want to spend your life deciding what you think is best for me, then maybe I’m not your guy.”
As hard as it was to see Keegan upset with me like this, it confirmed everything he was saying, what I’d already known all along about him.
“Is that what you think I was doing?” I asked. “Trying to say what I thought was best for you?”
His eyes narrowed. “Well, obviously, we didn’t have that much of a chance to talk, but you made it pretty clear that I didn’t know what I was signing up for, and that I couldn’t, and how you needed to do what was best.”
I took a breath. “It’s kind of funny. For being a royal who spent his life learning how to best articulate my meaning, I guess communication has never been my strongest suit.”
I could tell by the immediate shift in his expression and the way he relaxed his arms that he was willing to give me a chance to speak now, and it was clearly needed.
“I’ve never thought of you as a weak man, Keegan. And I would be the last guy in the world to underestimate you. Although, admittedly, I sure as hell wasn’t expecting you to show up to my door like this after that fight we had. Standing before me and calling me out on my bullshit. But if anything, you’ve shown me what real strength is. I was raised believing it was about keeping up appearances and saving face, but you stand in all your vulnerability, you open your heart even to assholes like me, fearless of them pummeling it or hurting you because you know you can bounce back. Me? I’m always terrified I’ll slip away again, and that the darkness will carry me off. I’ve spent so much of my life rigid and tense, showing the world this pretense of confidence because I fear what the world will show me back if I don’t. So if you thought this was a conversation about strength, it’s not.
“My mother, Mère, Marilyn, Cassie, Lucas…they’ve all been strong enough, but just because someone can carry a boulder doesn’t mean they should have to do so for the rest of their life. That’s not a way to live. My mother used to say that being a royal was about sacrifice, and she was right. I had to make that sacrifice because it’s who I am, but you don’t, Keegan. And if anyone’s weak here, it’s me, because I don’t want to be there the day you realizeI’mnot worth that sacrifice.”
I could hardly admit it, but after how Keegan had opened his heart for me, he deserved the same in return.
“I’mnot strong enough for that, Keeg. I’ve lost so many people in my life already. And the way things are going, the way I feel about you, I’m terrified that the more time we spend together, the worse this is going to get. And the harder it’s going to be to lose you when that day comes.”
