And I loved it.
“Did you notice that?” he asked.
“It was impossible not to notice.”
“I don’t know why, but I just…worry I’m going to forget what you taste like. That sounds weird, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, but if it didn’t sound weird, I’d wonder where Ty went.”
He laughed. “But back to your question, I’m fine. There was a little discomfort, but nothing I didn’t expect, and it wasn’t bad. I didn’t mean to worry you.”
“I enjoy worrying about you.”
“It was nice feeling you like that,” Ty added. “Inside me. And this.” He glanced up at where he was tied to the headboard.
“So you like being tied up?”
“Likedoesn’t quite cover it.”
“Well, I guess you should be untied at some point,” I said, reaching up.
“No, please. Not yet.”
I stopped, pulling my hand back at that look of desperation on his face. He glanced around uneasily, and his expression made him seem far more vulnerable than being tied up. “What is it?” I asked.
“I keep feeling like if I don’t enjoy certain things while I have a chance, then I might not get to.”
The gravity of his comment got to me. “Ty, I’m not letting anything happen to you.”
“I didn’t mean dying or anything like that. I just have this terrible feeling that if I don’t take advantage of every moment, I might regret it.”
“I know the feeling,” I said, thinking about my life…how quickly it had all seemed to pass me by…and how desperately I wanted to cling to the moments with him. “So what do you like so much about being tied up?”
“It’s hot. Kind of like that first time when you were ordering me around. It’s fun.”
His words made me grin. “I like being in control of your body…and your pleasure, so sounds like we have a pretty good combination on that front.” Before I knew it, I had my hand on his arm, stroking gently, and he noticed it too, which made me withdraw it quickly.
“You don’t like doing stuff like that. That, or kissing, apparently.”
I couldn’t tell him, but I felt the bigger issue was that I was enjoying it with him. Too much, even. “It’s unusual for me, Ty.”
“This is going to sound fucked up, but it’s kind of nice that all this happened, because now I don’t have to take things like that as personally as I might have.”
Even as he said the words, I detected that on some level, he was taking it personally. “You shouldn’t. Ty, you’re a great guy, and I respect you so much. Everything I deal with, the way I interact with people, the way I interact withyou, has to do with the very long and strenuous time I spent training my mind and my body to adhere to my wishes, to bend to my will. Those things I notice other people find so easy, when I see people offering displays of affection in the street, on a bus or a train, I think it must be a strange life to be able to give oneself so easily to that without regard, without thought for it being strange or against your nature. But maybe it’s something I need to work on.”
I forced myself to reach back to him and set my hand on his arm once again.
He closed his eyes like he was enjoying my touch, the way he had enjoyed the experience we’d had before.
“If it makes you feel better,” he whispered, opening his eyes, “it’s not much easier for me. I’ve spent my life confusing myself, not allowing myself to enjoy everything I clearly enjoy, being who I really am, some of it simply because I don’t know who I am and my discomfort with that.”
“I see who you are, Ty. And it’s magical.”
He looked into my eyes again.
It reminded me of that night in PV. That ability he had, like he was peering into my soul. I found myself less guarded about it, didn’t need to avert my gaze. I kept looking back at him like I wanted him to see something…the real me.
“I like when you share things like that with me, Ty. And I like sharing things with you.”
