But it actually made it easier, even when I could tell that Ty was having some unspoken reaction to my story. However, I didn’t care. Now that I was free to talk to him about this shit, I felt better.
He needed to know my past—who I really was. He obviously had become fascinated by the shell I’d shown him, but the real me wasn’t pretty or glamorous. It was dark and dirty, and if there was something I could do to scare him off, he needed to see it and chase away any silly, childish fantasies he had about what we could be.
I collected the cards and shuffled, taking a breath before continuing. “My skills led me to getting some regulars, and as luck would have it, one of my johns caught the interest of an IPB agent. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what he was. He was just a guy willing to pay me. First time he came in, he said he didn’t need anything sexual. Just someone to chat with. I assumed it was some kind of game, but he kept coming back like that for some time, asked me to lie for him. I did, and eventually this led to him saying he’d pay me for intel on one of the scummiest pieces of shit I’d ever known. That is, outside of the guy who kept me in that house—I didn’t even realize then how much he was fucking brainwashing me to be his permanent sex slave.
“But this IPB agent never crossed the line. Never made an advance, even when I offered. He was a pro and had integrity, which I’d never seen before then. And he actually trusted me to help him. And you know, when it comes down to any of these guys—IPB, CIA, FBI—it’s all about their Rolodex, what contact they have up their sleeves to get the job done. You could be the lowliest fuck in the world, but if you’re loyal and play ball, you’re in. During my time working with him, I guess he got to trusting me…or believing in me…for some crazy reason I still can’t make sense of to this day.”
“Maybe because he saw what I see,” Ty said, unwavering confidence in his words, which were easy for me to shrug off.
“I wasn’t fishing for a compliment. My whole point of telling you this was to assure you that I’m not whatever you think you see. That there are entire lives lived that would taint any pleasant image you have of the man sitting before you.”
His gaze shifted across the floor in front of him, but looking right through it as he considered my words. “I guess you’re just going to have to try harder, then,” he said softly before his gaze met mine again, penetrating even more than before, since now he saw a piece of me that not many were aware of. A piece that should have scared him but clearly didn’t.
“Apparently, you really do have a thing for trouble.”
“I have a thing for whatever package you come in.”
He wasn’t beating around the bush, and he looked at me as he spoke the words, as though trying to show me he wasn’t afraid of anything I’d told him.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good.
“Anyway, that guy pried me away from Ira’s stronghold and helped me get a job with the IPB. Grunt work at first, but this IPB agent acted as my mentor, and I moved up the ranks over the years. Took me a long time to understand why they even let some lowly prostitute in their prestigious agency, but you learn pretty quick through the sort of jobs you do that there aren’t many who can…or are willing…to do the work we do. Most people are too ambitious. They have something to lose, and people like that have weaknesses…the worst sort. The kind that those like me prey upon. Even having friends in this sort of job is dangerous, because the moment someone can use something against you, you’re in a tricky position. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but that’s what my first contact at the IPB saw. And it was nice having a guy believe in me. He pushed me, encouraged me, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I really was good at something in the world, something that helped people. That I wasn’t selfish, and I spent a lot of my youth being very selfish.”
“That sounds nice.”
I snickered. “I’m not sureniceis the right word, but it definitely gave me a reason to keep on going, which I didn’t always have.”
“I guess I’ll stop complaining about how I feel in my line of work, because I certainly didn’t have it that bad.”
“Ty, don’t be too hard on yourself. No matter where you are, no matter where I was, there’s always someone who had it worse, or someone who’s dead. Life isn’t easy, and there’s a lot put on you to think you should know right now what you want to do for the rest of your life. I’m only sorry that I came in and complicated that even more.”
“Are you kidding? It kind of puts everything into perspective. I was stressing about credits and exams, and here I am, reminded that there’s a lot more important shit in the world, and if it takes me a little bit of extra time to finish this up, it won’t kill me.”
“No, it won’t kill you,” I said, so very aware of all the things—of all the awful people in the world—he was now at risk of being killed by.
