Goddammit.
Back to the point, I remind myself. “So, if you think you’re the only one who’s fucked up in this, you’ve really got itwrong.”
I’m not sure how he’ll respond until he moves forward and puts his arms around me. We hold each other, each dealing with our own pain for the moment before he finally pullsaway.
“Thank you,” hesays.
“For telling you what a fuckup I am?” I try to joke, but it doesn’t make either of uslaugh.
“For sharing more with me in the past five minutes than you have since I’ve known you. And I do remember that game, Eric. I remember feeling like such a champion when I scored those goals, and like all the universe was on my side as they were lifting me in the air and screaming my name. And in my fucked-up head, I thought,This is it. Now he’ll really love me.And I saw you, and you tried, God knows I believe you did. I could tell you wanted to be there for me, but it was that thing…that distance that you’re talking about…I could feel it in the marrow of my bones, and I was certain I’d never make youproud.”
“You’ve always made me proud, Ty. Some of that stuff I couldn’t even handle myself backthen.”
“Now that you’ve shared what it was, a lot of things make more sense…and feel a little less personal. I did always imagine you wanted to push me away. Like I was a burden. That you would have been better off if I’d never pushed my mom to tell me aboutyou.”
“You were never a burden. And I wouldn’t want a life without you. I just didn’t know how to let you in, but I’m really tryingnow.”
“I know you are,Dad.”
Something about that word,dad…hearing it from his lips not when he’s angry at me, does me in, and the tears are really going. I cup my hands over my face and lean forward, trying toregroup.
“Oh, Ty. I wish I could have been worthy of that name foryou.”
He slings his arm around me. “You are. More than yourealize.”
“I promise I’ll do better. I’m working onit.”
“I’ve seenthat.”
I finally find the strength to look up at him. “See? Look at me. A fuckingmess.”
He snickers. “You should have told me life was gonna be thishard.”
We laugh together, both of us sniffling as we recover from our emotionalconfessions.
“I think it’s gonna get easier, though,” headds.
“I sure hope so. Thank you for sharing that with me,” I tell him. “I’m sorry I ever made you feel like youcouldn’t.”
“It wasn’t you. It was in my own head, and it worked out a lot better with me sharing like this. I feel so muchbetter.”
“I feel better too.” In more ways than he can possiblyunderstand.
He chuckles, as though he’s musing on something funny. “What is it?” Iask.
“Since we’re sharing things…in PV, you know that night when Jesse gottrashed?”
“Yes.”
“Well, he was heading into the bathroom, and I was kind of in the stall… Well, that much might be oversharing, but let’s say he caught me with my pantsdown.”
“Really?”
“I asked him not to say anything to you while I was figuring it out. I can tell it’s been hard for him to keep that fromyou.”
I can understand it, and yet, knowing Jesse kept that in confidence for my son…that he honored his wishes to do this in his own time, only affirms what an incredible man Jesseis.
“So you can tell him we’ve chatted and we’re all good,” he says, reminding me of Ty’s consideration aswell.
