My eyes pop open. I pant intensely, my chest constricting as I sit up, the despair of my nightmare hitting me like a brick. As I turn, hoping to see Eric lying in bed beside me, he’sgone.
He’s not gone, some part of my awareness assures me. This ishiscondo.
However, something about his absence and the nightmare collide and make the experience all too real as I imitate the posture of my dream, curling forward, tears rushing from myeyes.
I’m shaking…fuckingtrembling.
A sound makes me look up quickly, and I see Eric stepping out of thebathroom.
I take a much-needed breath ofair.
He’s here. He’s notgone.
“Jesse?” he asks as he approaches, then sits beside me. “What’s wrong? Did you have anothernightmare?”
Inod.
Ty still hasn’t come out to him yet—and it’s been three months since I first found out at that New Year’s party in PV. I’ve had a few nightmares like these since then, and I don’t need to speculate why. I don’t fault Ty. He has to do this when he’s ready, but it doesn’t change this fear lingering within me. I don’t like keeping anything from Eric, especially something so important, something he’d want to know about his ownson.
Fuckingsecrets.
Weren’t we supposed to shareeverything?
Eric has become my closest confidant, someone who seemed outside the reach of secrets within me. Now here we are, with this thing that haunts me and, on some level, makes me fear that it could be the thing to break this powerful bond weshare.
Eric must sense my tension because he slides into the bed and puts his arm aroundme.
“Hey, talk to me. Was it about yourparents?”
We haven’t discussed the specifics of the previous ones that centered on him because they didn’t affect me this much, but the longer I keep Ty’s secret, the more it seems to nag at my conscience. I can see why he thinks they’re about my parents, since I told him about those ones I used to have. Those nightmares are still so vivid to me. The Morgans would leave me on my own or take me back to theshelter.
I was on my ownagain.
“No. It was you, actually,” Iadmit.
“Well, that’s stupid. I’m not going anywhere.” He kisses the side of my face, gripping the back of my head and taking a deep breath, just appreciating our proximity, itseems.
“Deep down, I know that. But it’s like with my parents: the closer I get to someone, the more afraid I am of losing them. That’s how life works, isn’t it? You can’t have something amazing in your life without also being terrified that very thing will be pried from yourgrasp.”
“I understand that. It’s okay,Jesse.”
This whole feeling of loss and abandonment triggers so many memories, ones that are burned into my brainforever.
“Do you remember when I told you about that family I was with when I was eleven and was accused ofshoplifting?”
“Ofcourse.”
“The Kendricks. They weren’t the nicest of people to begin with. But I was appreciative to have an actual home. To motivate me, Mrs. Kendrick would tell me if I didn’t do things right—like the dishes or mowing the yard—she’d send me back to the shelter. That was what I thought being in a family was about. Doing things right and not messing up. And then when I fucked itup…”
“You didn’t fuck anything up. You didn’t steal, even. Your friend used you, and you got in trouble forit.”
“But the experience was one of my first impressions about what a family was. If you fucked up, there were no second chances, no redemption. You were out. I didn’t understand what it meant to really be loved. I didn’t love Mrs. Kendrick. I wanted her to love me, to care about me, but it wasn’t until the Morgans that I really knew what it meant for someone to care aboutme.
“One time, after the Morgans adopted me, I got a bad grade—an F on a math test—and I hid it from them because I didn’t want them to find out. I normally took my gym clothes out of my bag for Charlotte to wash, but one day I forgot, and when she was pulling them out so she could do laundry, she found the test. They confronted me about it, and I was crying and begging them not to send me back. They were so friendly, and I wanted them to like me. I thought I’d ruined everything, and I could tell they were horrified that I even thoughtthat.”
“Because they were actually decent people. The way the Kendricks should havebeen.”
“I’d never had anyone care about me like that. They really wanted me, and reassuring as it was that they didn’t get rid of me, it took me forever to figure out why. Because in the back of my mind, over the years, whenever something happened, that’s where my mind went. One event, one bad grade, one failure…whatever it was…would be the thing that made them send me back. And the more I cared about them, the more I didn’t want to lose them, the more nightmares I had. So it only makes sense the same would happen…now that I’m so in love withyou.”
