He glances around the room. “Familiar.”
“It really does. Like when you were lying beneath me a year ago…taking mycock.”
“Learningto take yourcock.”
“Well, you seem to be doing pretty well withthat.”
“I think I’m kind of a pro at having Eric Westright insideme.”
“Aren’t you, though?” I say, pushing inside him a littlefarther.
“Oh,” he calls out, tilting his head back, his eyes rolling in that way they do when I’m hitting hisprostate.
“How’s my pro feeling?” Itease.
He chuckles as he reaches and puts his hand against the back of my neck, stroking his thumb across my nape. “Pretty damn good thissecond.”
I don’t know what possesses me, but I reach up and grab his wrist. I pull it down my side, running it around to the small of my back…thenlower.
Jesse’s expression turns serious as he seems to catch on to my intention. “CanI—”
“I want you to touch me, Jesse. I want your hand just right back there. Am I fucking up the affirmative consent? No, go ahead and ask.” I release him because I want to do thisright.
“Can I touch your ass?” heasks.
“Just a little. Put your fingers there. I don’t know if I can do more than that rightnow.”
He leans forward and slides his hand down the back of my ass, to myhole.
I take a breath, enjoying the feeling of still being inside him. I monitor the feelings he rouses, the same ones that came up that first time we tried this. As the tension rises, I reach back and grab hold of hishand.
“Are you okay?” he asksquickly.
“I’m fine. I just…this helps me feel incontrol.”
“You are in control,Eric.”
That’s what distinguishes between what Uncle Andy did and what Jesse and I share. With my uncle, I had no control. I wasn’t given a choice. With Jesse, there’s always achoice.
He doesn’t offer force or coercion...only love and compassion andappreciation.
In so many ways, through so much of my life, I conflated rape and sex, struggling to discern the difference, but each time Jesse and I progress, the difference becomes clearer. It’s not the thin line I once believed it to be, but a greatrift.
I relax my forehead againstJesse’s.
“How do you feel?” he asks, as he’s done before in these exercises. Part of checking in withme.
“It’s painful. It’s still there…the thoughts racing through my brain.” I pull away and look into his eyes. “I feel like I’m breaking, falling apart right in front of you. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like I need to fight and be in control, because that’s what that experience with my uncle was all about. He took something from me. But around you, I know you aren’ttakingor asking for control, just my love...and permission to offer that to me. I can make sense of the difference now, but I’m still trying to really feelit.”
I press my hand against hisface.
I can’t stop the tears sliding down my cheeks. I can’t stop the thoughts still cruelly playing on my mind. But there’s something so gratifying about Jesse being here in thismoment.
“I’m not there yet, and the hurt is still so intense, but I don’t mind you seeing me like this, because you’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to show all of me to. And this is me, Jesse. I’m wounded, and I hurt so much still, but I know it’s okay to be weak because you’re strong enough for both of us...and I trust you with myeverything.”
I draw him closer, and as our lips meet again, I feel as though I dissolve right intohim.
I pull his hand away from my ass and wrap my arms around him, holding him close as I thrust withinhim.
