I snatch his wrist. “Please don’t stop. It’s not that it feels bad. It just amazes me how much it doesn’t hurt…not like it did before. Let’s keep going. You don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable, but I can do it. For the first time, I can say that and really meanit.”
His lips curl up, and he continues. I relax into the sensation once again. Subtle, butprofound.
“Look at us,” I tell him as the tears flowfree.
“I am. I love you,Eric.”
“I love you too.” I’m still laughing, and I really don’t know why. Maybe just because it’s so crazy that after all this time, after all the stress and fear and worry, I’m finally in a place where this isn’t pureagony.
“You’re so beautiful when you laugh,” Jesse notes. “Can I kissyou?”
“You’dbetter.”
I rest my hand on the back of his head, drawing him to me, taking his lips. They’re mine, along with his touch, his taste, his scent. Just like I’m allhis.
Tension rises within me, but I let it rise and wane, run its course in a way I couldn’tpreviously.
“Jesse, I’m so happy right now,” I assure him between kisses. “Don’t stop kissing me. I needthis.”
I want to push further than this even, but I made a promise to Jesse that I wouldn’t rush this, and I’m in touch with myself enough to know betternow.
We finish the exercise shortlyafter.
Neither of us gettingoff.
Just holding one another and kissing, makingout.
I’m friskier than I have been the other times we’ve worked on this. Some of it is, I’m sure, just therelief.
“I can’t believe how far we were able to go. We’ll be there before you know it,” I tell him. His playful expression shifts, and I place my hand against his soft face. “I didn’t mean that to suggest we need to get there anytime soon. I’m not ever going to make you go through anything like we experienced when we wentcamping.”
That night is more of a blur in my own mind than I imagine it is for Jesse. It’s hard to recall unless I try to remember because it became such a haze as he went down on me, licking my hole. I clammed right up, shut down as a panic attack seized control of mysenses.
Back when we did that, I was pushing, trying to force myself through something I obviously wasn’t mentally equipped to handle. I wanted to use willpower, as I had through so many other aspects of my life, to overcome the hurdle before me. However, the amount of power I gave that part of my life that I refused to face proved to be even more traumatizing than I could haveimagined.
“I’m such an asshole for putting you through that. If I’d gotten past my own selfish desire to be done with that anxiety, if I’d thought about youmore—”
“Eric, you couldn’t have known that would be the outcome. You never would have wanted to go through that in front of anyone, especially during such an intimate moment. My only concern in any of this is you. It wasn’t easy, and it kills me to ever see you in pain, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m stronger than I look.” He offers a playfulsmile.
“Yes, you are. It couldn’t have broken you, but it was still unfair. Yet in some fucked-up way, in hindsight, at least, I’m glad you got to see that side of me. That vulnerability. I was thinking about that tonight. I always feel like I have to be in control and in charge in the world, but not around you. I feel safe with you, and I have to believe that moment, and the way you handled it, is part of the reason. You took care of me in a way no other person has. And sometimes it’s nice to feel like someone will take care of you, youknow?”
“Can I touch your face?” Jesseasks.
“We can skip affirmative consent for thatone.”
He places his palm against my cheek. “I’ll always be here to take care of you,Eric.”
“And I’ll be here to take care ofyou.”
We kiss yet again, for what feels like the thousandth kiss of the night, and we hold one another before drifting off tosleep.
9
Jesse
As I sitat my desk, emailing Brenden some files to review, I revel in the experience Eric and I shared lastnight.
He’s never been so open andwilling.
