“Do you mind if I lick youthere?”
I snicker. “That soundsnice.”
It’s not that the tension isn’t present. It’s still here, but I’ve learned to treat it as my companion in the process. Made peace with emotions that aren’t allpleasant.
Jesse makes his way down, and I pull my legs back, granting him theview.
He licks around my hole, gently,affectionately.
We’ve already done this much before, and I can do it again. It’s not what it was on that camping trip when I was triggered, though I wouldn’t say this much was easy. No, definitely not that. I’ll never be able to fully relax into it. However, with the trust, the connection we share, I’ve learned I can bear it withJesse.
And tonight I want this. Not for him, but for me. Not because I need it to be complete, but because it’s an experience I have every right to, same as anyoneelse.
He stimulates me like this before licking his fingers and working them into me steadily. This much we’ve done too. This much, I can work my way through. So many milestones I’ve passed. And as we share this experience, Jesse keeps checking in, making sure I’m allright.
It’s little things like that which remind me of how loved I am, that make it easier for us to work our way to him lubing up in preparation to put that thick cock of his inme.
“How you feeling?” he asks as he slathers the lube across hisshaft.
“Really good. Thank you forasking.”
“You mindif—”
“I would love to have you inside me,Jesse.”
He laughs. “Sorry,I—”
“It’s okay to laugh, Jesse. It’s kind offunny.”
I wouldn’t have said that back when we started this, but I can see the humor in it allnow.
And this is so Jesse. Taking his time. He’s been so patient with me, and I know it’s largely responsible for the progress I’ve made. This man I love, giving me all the time I needed to sort through so much shit that was far more related to my head than anything I was doing or not doing with mybody.
“I’m ready,” I tell him, and there’s a subtle curve of his lip as he pushes the head of his cock against myhole.
The pressure is intense, but not unexpected, and our work continues as he pushes in steadily. We’ve done this much already too. However, that doesn’t stop the momentary fear that surges through me from the sensation hestimulates.
It’sfamiliar.
It’scruel.
It’spainful.
It evokes memoriesstill.
It’s the sort of sensation that would have set me into a panic episode in the beginning, but I remind myself of what I’ve done so far, and how I’m able to not only survive the sensations, but that they will subside, if not this time or the hundredth time we do this, theneventually.
Jesse stops, surely able to read mydiscomfort.
“Just let me know when you’re comfortable,” he says, massaging his hand in a circle against my leg. “I’m here. I loveyou.”
His support is just what I need rightnow.
I’m not rushed, and though it takes some time, I let the feelings rise within me. Let them run their natural course. It’s fine to let them rise and fall. We can always do this another night, I remind myself. I have a lifetime with him. A beautiful lifetime, and if I don’t get this tonight, we try again another night oranother.
The hurry, the judgment, I’ve passed all those stages. I no longer see it as a limitation that somehow means something about me as a man…or a human. I’ve retrained my mind and body not to associate this with so many erroneousthings.
The wave of emotions dissipates within me, along with the memories that no longer have their grip on me after all the work I’ve done onthem.
