I start to get up, but she pushes her hand down on my shoulder, forcing me to stay in myseat.
“Uh-uh,” she says. “You should check your phone first.” She offers a warm smile before headingoff.
This is why she’s my best friend. She gets me in a way no one else ever could. She doesn’t know everything about me. Hell, no onedoes.
Not that part of my past that I just wish I could bury, that still can crop up with something as simple as what Jesse did when he was in the shower with me. Sometimes not even that much. Someone standing too close to me in line at the grocery store or on the train is enough to bring back those feelings. A stray scent...or even so much as an image or sensation that reminds me of that place...thatday.
And if those don’t do it, some cruel nightmarewill.
It’s something that haunts me, but something I’ve learned to cope with, to handle on my own. I might not be the best at it, but I pushon.
I’ve made it this long, and I take each experience one day at a fuckingtime.
Allison heads into the adjoining room to join the guys, and I pull out my phone and retrieve a message fromJesse.
It’s a picture of Jesse and Ty out at some club. His message reads:Having ablast.
That was really sweet of him, and it reminds me that I wish I was there with them. Such a stupid, childish thought to have about some kid I hooked up with a few times…but it was more thanthat.
We didn’t just fuck. We talked about our lives, about things I don’t share with a lot of people, and it sounded like things he doesn’t share with a lot of people either. There’s a part of me that can’t help but wonder, did we only share that much because we didn’t have anything to lose and because we knew we wouldn’t have to interact with each other every day? Does that even fucking matter when I really just want to see him againnow?
I reply back with:Glad you guys are having fun. :)Although I really want to say:I miss your face and the way you say myname.
I join up with my crew, and we chat a little longer, play some more pool before I take an Uber back to myplace.
I shower before getting into bed and checking to see if there’s another text fromhim.
There’s no reason he would have texted me back. It’s wishful thinking on my part. He’s probably out having a fantastic time with Ty, and I wonder if he’s thinking about me as much as I’m thinking abouthim.
My phone vibrates almost as soon as I set it down on the nightstand, and I hastily check it to discover it’shim.
Not even a text. He’s fuckingcalling.
I’m excited…eager… I can’t believe how thrilled I am about a stupid phone call. The younger version of myself would be smart and at least wait a moment before answering, but I feel like I’m too old forgames.
“What are you doing calling this late?” is the first thing Isay.
“I was thinking aboutyou.”
He sounds so relaxed, at ease, and I can tell by the slight slur in his speech that a part of it is because he’s drunk, but I’ll take any excuse I can to talk to himagain.
“Looked like you guys were having a greattime.”
“Yeah. It was fun. We just got back. I’m lying in bed naked, feeling like I’m going to regret this in the morning.” There’s a shift in my crotch from hearing him mention he’s naked. Then there’s silence for a moment before he blurts out, “I wish you werehere.”
His honesty disarmsme.
“I wish I was theretoo.”
“What’d you do tonight?” heasks.
“Caught up with somefriends.”
“Those guys you were telling meabout?”
I smile, pleased he remembered. “Yeah. The sameones.”
“I missed yourvoice.”
