“What?” heasks.
I shouldn’t say this. Hell, he might even know from Ty, but I don’t care. I feel like I want him to know my side in allthis.
“I was with Tricia, Ty’s mother, for a couple of years. I was at Georgia State, and she was at Emory. I met her when she and her friends came into a restaurant I waited tables at. She was pretty and funny. We hit it off, so I tried to make it work...wanted to make it work...but I broke it off right before I transferred to UCLA. A lot of it had to do with me realizing who I really was…that she would be a lot happier with a guy who was into women. And I was honest with her about that. When I left, I thought that would be the end of it, and I didn’t hear from Tricia for years. I’d heard from someone she was married with a kid. Then one day, I received a phone call. From her. She said the kid was mine, from right before we broke up. Said she hadn’t told me because she wasn’t sure she could handle me being a part of her life if we couldn’t be together…fucking load of shit. Ty always knew the guy Tricia married wasn’t his dad because he was old enough to remember them getting together, but she never told him the truth about who his real father was...even tried to keep it from him, but by the time he was sixteen, he was too persistent. She knew she couldn’t keep brushing him off, which is why she’d called. She wanted my permission first. Of course I said yes. Here I had this kid all these years and didn’t know it. I wanted to be a part of his life. I wanted to meet him, see him. I felt violated, like something had been taken from me that was mine all these years. So we met for the first time, and it was everything you would have expected from a Dr. Phil special. We hugged and cried. Did the whole production of being excited to meet eachother.”
I tear up just remembering how fucking exciting and scary that time had been. Am I really fucking crying in front of Jesse? Am I so drunk that I don’t give adamn?
“Ty’s mentioned some of this,” Jesse confesses. “About how Tricia wouldn’t tell him who his father was, how he had to press. And then about when he metyou.”
“I was so fucking happy, but…a moment of getting to know your sixteen-year-old son doesn’t make you a dad. And Ty learned that really fast. As much as I’ve tried to make time for him, work has me going here and there, and I make time for birthdays, and you can be sure if he needs anything, I’m there for him. But I’m not exactly winning Father of the Year. And I can see it in his fucking eyes…just…disappointment. Like…why did he ever reach out to this bastard who didn’t do anything for him other than give his mother a moment and somesperm?”
“That’s not what he thinks,” Jesseinsists.
“Well, it’s not the way it should be. I haven’t lived up to whatever image he had of me in his brain that led him to think he wanted to reach out to me…and in some ways, that makes me feel about as shitty with him as my own dad was withme.”
“And how was that?” Jesseasks.
God, I’ve opened up a can of worms, but now that I have, I can’t stop myself. “My mom left us when I was five, and I could tell Dad always resented the fact he was left with me. And so, even though he was present, he sure as hell wasn’t there for me. He never raised a fist or anything. He didn’t need to. He showed his contempt through just never paying any attention to me. Through never being around. He’d have his girlfriends around town and his drinking buddies he’d spend the weekends with. And I just sort of fended for myself, all the while hating him for not beingthere.”
“That’s not the same as what happened with you and Ty,” Jesse says. “You didn’t have any say in that. Your fatherdid.”
Somewhere deep down, I know he’s right, but it doesn’t make me feelbetter.
“It’s been hard knowing I can’t make up for lost time,” I say. “And life goes on…regardless of all the birthdays I missed, the Christmases, the awards, the championships. We can’t go back for a redo. I think Ty and I are both learning that the hard way. Just…most dads, they get to learn how to be dads with their kids. They figure it out as they go. Fuck up and make mistakes, but then have other opportunities to do better. This was just dumped on me, and I feel like all I ever do is fuck itup.”
I look down at Jesse, and he’s a reminder of how fucked up everything in the world is. “This sure doesn’t help. I’m not doing myself any favors by fucking around with you, but I can’t stopeither.”
I kiss him, enjoying the tremendous relief he offers me not just physically, but mentally, the cumbersome part of me I’ve suddenly been able to let goof.
When I pull away, Jesse says, “I do get what you mean about why your relationship with Ty is…problematic. It might be harder for you guys than it is for most people, but the game isn’t over yet. You still have time to be a good father to Ty. Trust me. I mean, it was one thing with my biological parents, who I know didn’t want to be a part of my life. But my adoptive parents came into my life later, and even though they weren’t there from the get-go, I feel so close to them, and our relationship is incredibly special. It might not be the same as it is for a kid who’s had a great parent from the start, but it’s better thannothing.”
“But it can’t change the fact that, regardless of the reason, I still wasn’tthere.”
Jesse doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. He knows it’s true from his own experience. Just like I know it frommine.
He slides his hand from the back of my head to my face, his touch so soft, feeling sogood.
“I do know he wants you in his life, and it’s beautiful to see that you want to be in his. I think you can get through a lot of bullshit when that’s the case, don’tyou?”
“I hope so.” I pull out of my pity party, shaking my head. “Sorry. I’m sure this isn’t the kind of night you were planning onhaving.”
“No, but it’s a nice night anyway. Thank you for sharing that with me,Eric.”
“Again, with my name. I can’t tell you what that does to me. Something about it is just…reallynice.”
How can something so simple feel sogood?
Those dark eyes survey my face in that familiar way that makes me feel like he’s taking me all in, reading me in a way no one else could ever readme.
“Then I guess I’ll have to say it some more, Eric.” He smiles. “I’m really glad this trip’s worked out the way it has. Not just because of the fun we’ve had in this room, but because I do like getting to know you. You’re a special guy,Eric.” Hewinks.
I want to credit his compliment to the alcohol we had earlier, but I can hear the sincerity behind his words, and I can’t help myself. “You’re a special guytoo.”
“Come here. Let’s just enjoy tonight, enjoy each other as much as we can. Forget about all that bullshit, about the shitty world, about how complicated what we’re doing is. Here we are, hundreds of miles away from home. Let’s pretend this is everything we want it to be and havefun.”
“I’d likethat.”
“Good. Now take my greedy ass before I have to go find someone else to do it foryou.”
