“You didn’t put on any sunscreen, did you?” heasks.
“No, like a dummy, I wasn’t even thinking aboutit.”
Instinctively, it seems, he takes my hand and guides me back into his room, leading me to the bathroom. He releases my hand, bends down, opens a drawer, and pulls out a bottle of lotion. He opens it, puts some in his palm, rubbing his finger in it before he starts applying it to my face. He’s not finished with putting much on before he stops and looks at his hand as if realizing he’s made things that much more complicated. What’shappening?
“Is everything okay, Eric?” Iask.
He manages to look everywhere in the bathroom except atme.
“Everything’s fine.” By the way he says it, it’s clear nothing’s fine. There’s a part of me that feels like I don’t have a right to push further, but after everything we’ve done together, I feel like certainly I must have thatright.
“Really?” I say. “Because one minute we were having a good time and everything seemed normal, and then in a second, everything totallychanged.”
He nods as he continues applying lotion to my face. He opens his mouth like he’s about to say something but then stops himself just as quickly before coughing like he has something in his throat. I imagine it’s a mental barrier that has prevented him from saying what reallyhappened.
I can feel I was right about there being much more to this than his total-top explanation. That’s why he’s reacting this way. I just wish he could tellme.
He pulls his hand from my face and dips his fingers into the lotion in his opposite palm, and I reach out to him and grab his wrist gently. I want to let him know I’m here for him, to let him know that whatever the fuck is going on in his brain, he’s not alone, at least in thismoment.
“Eric, I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” I say, pushing past my own pride and insecurities, because I know that it—whateveritis—doesn’t have anything to do withme.
Finally, his gaze meets mine. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t push me away, just stares into my eyes. Then he looks to where I’m holdinghim.
A tear shifts in his eye, and I realize I’ve caught him in a very vulnerablemoment.
He takes my hand and pulls it off hiswrist.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about,” he tells me before collecting some more lotion and rubbing it against my face. It tingles as it makescontact.
I try to find the words to say in a moment like this, something that can soothe away all this discomfort that seems to have built up within him. Just something so that it can go back to the way we were when we were havingfun.
“Whatever it is,” I say, “we don’t have to talk about it, Eric. It threw me, but I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I was thinking I was doing something right, but judging by whatever happened, I know I did something wrong, and I really amsorry.”
“Now who’s the one apologizing too much?” he teases. And it’s such a lighthearted joke, I feel some of that tension dissolving in the air. “No,” Eric says, “I’m sorry, because I know you really did want to try that, and it’s not something I can do. Not something I like todo.”
What happened to you,Eric?
Something bad, I figure, but despite all these questions I have, considering we hardly know each other, he sure as fuck doesn’t have a reason to tell me what’swrong.
“I really did just think it would be fun, and I thought you would enjoy it, which is the only reason I pushed,” I explain. “I mean, it’s hot doing anything with you, so I don’t want you to think you’re depriving me of anything. I can promise you I thoroughly enjoyed what we did back there in thebedroom.”
As Eric rubs the remaining lotion into his own hands, his lips curl upward. The tension that has been in the air, it’s like it’s all being stripped away steadily the more we talk. As though each joke, and each reflection on the good things we’ve shared, is tearing away at the wall Eric putup.
I feel like it’s now or never—that this is my opportunity. I move forward quickly and press my lips against his, feeling that tingle as his scruff rubs against my face, reminding me of what a dumbass I was for not applying sunscreen before heading out. But I dismiss that as I focus on reawakening what’s so right and good betweenus.
When I feel him kiss back, I know I’m breaking through thosebarriers.
He puts his hand on the back of my neck, pulling me close to him, me feeling his strength and power once again, like it’s returning tohim.
“This is all my fault,” he whispers as he pulls away. “I wanted to make you feel good and sexy and beautiful, and then I made you feel so shitty. You didn’t do anything wrong, Jesse. I want you to know that. That thing that happened was my fault, ’cause I’m an idiot. I’m not used to this dynamic. Usually if I’m with somebody, they’re a power bottom and prefer to be dominated. And they know that’s all they want. But with you, you’re so new and you want to explore, youneedto explore, and I’ve realized there’s a part of that I can’t do foryou.”
“Like I said, we don’t have to do that. We can enjoy the things wecando. ’Cause I’m having a lot of fun withthat.”
“No, you’re right,” Eric says. “It just got into my head, and I started thinking way too much abouteverything.”
“Well, that makes sense, considering this is a fairly complicatedsituation.”
“Isn’t it,though?”
