I’ll go home, filled with this curiosity, thisemptiness.
I’ll get over it in time, I know, but I’ll never be the same. I’ll have to try this out with someone else to at least figure out if maybe I’m much more attracted to men than I ever considered. But I feel bad for the poor guy I’ll try it out with, because no matter how good he is, I’ll be wishing he wasEric.
We enter Eric’s condo some time later, and we still haven’t spoken to one another. The silence grates on my nerves since it feels like we have so much to talk about, and at the same time, like the only conversation worth having was finished before it really ever gotstarted.
As I walk into the living area, I can hear Ty in the master bedroom, fussing with what I assume is one of his coworkers on the phone. He sounds frustrated, so I’m guessing he wasn’t able to easily resolve whatever issue had popped up for him withwork.
I turn toward Eric, who sets his backpack down by the kitchen island, and for the first time since he pulled his gaze away from me at the beach, he makes direct eye contact. I wonder if he’s worried about me saying something to Ty, about me doing something to fuck up their relationship even more than it alreadyis.
“You know I would never say anything to him about that,” I tell him, because as pissed as I am that we can’t share more, I feel I owe that to him, that what we did was sacred, that I would never hurt him thatway.
His gaze lowers to the floor, and he mutters in a deep, guttural voice, “Thankyou.”
As appreciative as I am, I can’t help but imagine him using that same tone in a more intimate moment while he’s tearing my clothes off, ready to show me exactly how good it can feel, exactly how good he can make mefeel.
His gaze returns to mine, and I detect disappointment in hisexpression.
There’s a sadness between us as we both seem to acknowledge that this silent communication might be the most intimate moment we’re able to share for the rest of the time we’re around oneanother.
“It felt…like heaven,” I blurt out softly, because at the very least, no matter what can’t happen between us, I want him to know thatmuch.
His lips curl upward. It’s the subtlest of smiles, but it’s enough forme.
He finally pulls his gaze away once again and heads around me to the guestbedroom.
As he closes the door behind him, the emptiness he left my body with…me with…feelsoverwhelming.
16
Eric
Too many thoughts to process.
I should have found a way to get out of that hike with Jesse, but I can’t deny that some part of me wanted to go there—to have a chance to be alone with him again. I can’t deny that I was hoping something would happen, and when it did, I felt the power of our connection swirling in my chest, this powerful energy pulsing and needing to break free. A potent force, something that seemed sotangible.
That ass was so fucking tight, and something about knowing Jesse had only recently started playing around with it turned me on evenmore.
As if my relationship with Ty isn’t shit enough without me putting everything on the line by playing with his friend’sprostate.
Goddamn me. Goddamn this whole fuckingsituation.
I sit in a bar not far from the condo, drinking a margarita on the rocks as quickly as I can. I need to feel at ease again, need for this burning desire within me to settle, but it won’t. It isn’t even just that I have the hots for Jesse. I feel protective of him now. He’s inexperienced. He’s vulnerable and open andeager.
It felt…likeheaven.
Those words are all I keep hearing, over and overagain.
He wants to feel good, and that’s all I want to do for him—all I want to givehim.
It should be an amazing experience with someone who gives a shit about making sure it’s right for him, and I can give himthat.
What the fuck am Ithinking?
That’s not an option, but if it’s not an option, why are these thoughts all-consuming?
I finish my drink and start on roundthree.
I didn’t talk to Jesse any more before leaving the condo. I wasn’t worried he would say anything to Ty, but it was so fucking thoughtful of him to say that he would keep that between us. Like he just wanted to keep me from worrying aboutit.
