“I’ve been going back and forth about it. I’ve toldMom…”
Despite the fact that his mother and I are fine now, I’m annoyed when he mentions her in my presence because it reminds me that she took away all this time from us. She’s the reason it’s awkward as hell when I get together with my son…because she kept him from me for so long. I’ve tried to work through that, make it better in my head. But despite my attempts, I can’t forgive her…notentirely.
Not forthat.
“What does your mother say about it?” Iask.
“She’s very against it. She thinks I could potentially be passing up a very good opportunity for something I may not be that goodat.”
“You don’t think you’d be a good CPA? You’re very good at what youdo.”
“Not that. Just getting certified. It’s just, it’s a lot of tests. And I wasn’t the best at school. I mean, you knowthat.”
“I may have been sweating bullets about you getting through that last year, but I was very proud of the way you pushedthrough.”
His expression shifts, like something I said surprisedhim.
He glances around uneasily. “Proud? This is the first time you’ve ever mentioned being proud of me foranything.”
“What? That’s nottrue.”
“Yes, it is. You never said that when Igraduated.”
I reflect back. Surely, I must have. “I attended, and I said how happy I wasand—”
“Yeah, but you didn’t actually ever say that word:proud.”
Suddenly, I feel like anasshole.
“Ty, I was very proud ofyou.”
He’s quiet for amoment.
I’m about to go on, when the waiter arrives and takes our orders. After he heads off, I refuse to let this go because I can tell by the way he reacted that this is something that means a lot to him—more than I had ever reallyconsidered.
“I’m very proud that you’d be considering going back to school, despite your feelings about it in thepast.”
“Can you pass that news along to Mom?” he asks, smiling, but just as quickly straightening up his expression as though he didn’t want to give me even that much. Or at least, that’s how I’m interpretingit.
“Your mom has always been very conservative and nervous about taking risks, even in her own life. She likes to play things safe. Hell, even when I was younger and talked about investing, she would get nervous as hell, but you have to take risks if you really want to stand a chance to make a big profit. That’s the way life is. Always hasbeen.”
“And what if I fall flat on myface?”
“Then the people around you give you shit but are really supportive…and still proud ofyou.”
I’m intentionally using the word again since I know how much it means to him, and I can tell he’s surprised by it onceagain.
I feel like such an asshole, and now I’m driving myself crazy trying to remember a time when I used the word. I guess I never thought, considering our relationship, that it would have ever meant all that much tohim.
“I believe you can do it,” I add, but I can read a sort of skepticism in his expression. Like he’s thinking:How do you know I can? You haven’t been there all these years. You don’t know who I am. You don’t know what I’m capableof.
He doesn’t understand that I believe in him because I believe he’s capable of doing these things, because he’s accomplished so much in his life, and that I think he’s limiting himself in the way his mother always limitedherself.
The conversation shifts to sports, movies, and the weather, but not in the way we usually discuss them, like we don’t have anything to talk about. Feels like Ty is actually trying to connect withme.
I think a part of what helps has to do with my conversations with Jesse about Ty, where he’s insisted that Ty really does care about our relationship and wants me to be in his life. It gives me hope, which I admit I haven’t always had when it comes toTy.
When we finish catching up, I head back to my place. As I open the door, a powerful scent fills the air. I head around the corner and see Jesse’s already in thekitchen.
