I’m angry with myself for having pushed, but also with Eric, because he was such a jerk aboutit.
Here I was, so vulnerable and open to him, receptive to whatever he wanted to do, and then he cut me off like that. My pride is wounded. I’m torn between wondering what the fuck I did so wrong to upset him and being mad for how hereacted.
Eric tells me he needs to take some time to work, but I know it’s an excuse to get away fromme.
I want to get to the heart of what his issue was, but I feel like I need to clear myhead.
I agree to give him space and then head out and take a walk down thebeach.
I don’t put on any sunscreen. I head out with nothing more than my cell phone, and my anger and hurt. I kick my bare feet through the sand, feeling that tightness in my chest, that discomfort that feels so foreign compared to the sheer pleasure I was enjoying not half an hourearlier.
It’s such a jumbled mess in my brain. There’s this part of me that is holding on to those moments that felt so amazing. Those delicious, erotic moments where we explored so much together. Where Eric awakened this side of me, where he opened up this new world ofexperiences.
But that one moment, that shift in his gaze, that tenseness of his jaw that let me know I’d done something wrong threw everything out ofwhack.
I know there’s much more to what happened than him being some total top, because if it was only something he didn’t like, his behavior wouldn’t have totally transformed before my very eyes. There are plenty of things Whitney or I weren’t into, and when they came up, one of us just said, “No,” or, “I’m not into that,” but Eric didn’t just express that he wasn’t into it, he became another person in thatmoment.
I want to confront him about it, yet there’s a part of me that realizes I don’t know him well enough for that. That experience is a clear reminder of exactly how little I know about him and that I don’t have a right to pry into what made him souncomfortable.
He has boundaries: about his issues with Ty and about whatever the fuck happened backthere.
Even though I can’t be sure of what exactly stirred that response from him, it doesn’t take a genius to realize it’s something in his past. Something fucked up happened to him—something he’s not okay withsharing.
Someone hurt him. I just know it. There’s this feeling in my gut that lets me know there’s really no other reasonableexplanation.
It’s none of my business, considering how little we know each other, but it doesn’t change that I wish it could be my business—that Eric would break down some of these barriers and open up tome.
I want to get to know him better. I like what I’ve seen of him sofar.
As I watch some kids playing with a football in the surf, I feel my phone vibrate and pull it out. It’s a text from Ty, complaining about being backhome.
A familiar guilt rises within me. It feels like there are so many fucking things to think about when it comes to what we’re doing. Wouldn’t it be easier tostop?
It’scomplicated.
There are layers to Eric that are more complicated than I could have considered, but even that doesn’t feel like it’s enough to deter me. It makes me even more curious abouthim.
There’s something about Eric that fascinates me. Leaves me wanting more. Of course there’s that part of him that just turns me on, but then there’s also something elsethere.
Ty is my best friend. I love him and care about him, but I can’t turn my back on what’s happening here. If I could have, I would have done thatalready.
No. I’ve never been the kind of guy to run from things I’m afraid of, and I’m not startingnow.
When I return to Eric’s condo, I knock on his door and wait for aresponse.
Something…anything…
I’m about to knock again when the dooropens.
His bangs fall across his forehead and curl to the side in a way that’s so fucking sexy. Those blue eyessparkle.
I can tell by the way he holds his face, the way he avoids my gaze, that something’s changed. That it’s not the lighthearted Eric I was used to seeing before. The man standing before me is someone else, someone I haven’t encounteredbefore.
“Hey, sorry,” he says. “Just finishing up some workstuff.”
He assesses my face for a moment before tensing up. “Were you out in the sun?” heasks.
“Yeah, I took a walk on the beach,” I reply, surprised by his attitude. He puts his hand to my cheek, caressing his thumb across it in a way that’s familiar. I feel a sting. “Shit,” Isay.
