“Yeah, let’s do it,” Ty says. Although he doesn’t sound like he would if Jesse hadn’t been soeager.
It’s enough for me, though. Any chance I have to spend time with him is better than nothing, and I’m thrilled to know it’s an actual possibility now. As happy as I am that Jesse will be tagging along too, there’s a part of me that wishes I could spend some one-on-one time withTy.
I want to talk to my son. I want to catch up with him about his life, but I feel like he would rather avoid me. I would have thought after seven years’ worth of effort at trying to bridge this gap between us, I would have made some progress, but I haven’t. Atall.
11
Jesse
Fortunately,Ty has a couple of things he has to get done for work before we head out on our hike, giving me some solid hangover recoverytime.
I take a shower before hopping on my laptop in my room. I’m still nude as I rest it on my thighs. I check Facebook and Twitter before I find myself drawn to peculiar searches, including “anal sex.” I can’t help myself. My curiosity was piqued that day when Eric and I started messingaround.
The conversation Eric and I had last night destroyed any hope I had that we’d get to do that again, but now that I know how interested my body can be, I have to check it out. See what it’s all about. Eric awakened this intense desire within me to have him pushing into me, fucking me the way I’ve seen guys getting fucked inporn.
It would be shit for my friendship with Ty, or Eric and Ty’s relationship, which is fucked up enough as it is, but I can’t help myself. It’s an itch that needs to be scratched. And if I can’t do that with Eric, I’m forced to do it on myown.
I look up things like “first time with guys” and “first time anal.” I watch a couple of gay porn vids. I’ve seen them before and thought about the mechanics, but never enough to try and actually figure it out. It seems fairlyintuitive.
I set my laptop on the bed beside me. Then I lick my forefinger and middle finger. Reaching down under my balls, I touch my hole. It doesn’t seem particularly erotic, but that’s not how I felt when Eric was playing around down there, so I explore a littlefurther.
My hole seems so tight…like it wouldn’t be possible for Eric to get that thing in me, but I know better just by seeing all the fat, long cocks that some of these guys are able to take in these videos. And if how these guys react to being fucked is any indication, it would feel fuckingamazing.
I retrieve my travel kit from the bathroom, pulling out the lube to aid me in my research. Lying back on the bed, I rub some lube on my fingers before I raise my legs and slide my fingers back into my ass, moving slowly, exploring. As I loosen myself up, I’m able to get my fingers farther back in me. The pressure is odd at first, but as I get past the awkwardness and am able to enjoy the sensations my fingers arouse, I’m able to appreciate it a littlemore.
I can’t help but imagine what it felt like with Eric and his mouth on it, licking, playing around. I’m painfully hard. I know my prostate’s in there somewhere, but I sure as fuck wouldn’t know where, and I’m kind of nervous about pushing back toofar.
This is weird as fuck. I’m twenty-three. If I was going to have urges like this, I would’ve expected to try this a lot sooner…like when I dry-humped the mattress at thirteen, making myself come for the first time. It wasn’t something I was trying to do. It happened because my body was urging me through the motions, trying to push me to reach that ever-importantclimax.
But even after all my times masturbating and exploring my body with the help of an expansive web filled with porn, even when I saw guys messing around with themselves, I never bothered touching my body like that. It didn’t even cross mymind.
In fairness, until I saw guys playing with their own holes, I assumed it was only good for one, not-all-that-appealingtask.
As I ease into the experience, closing my eyes and imagining Eric fucking me, my face hot like it was when we were messing around, I decide to go for it. Pushing my forefinger and middle finger farther back, past the knuckles, I take abreath.
I gasp, and while the sensation is powerful, it’s not what I was expecting. It’s pressure and intense, but there’s something erotic about it. Wildlyso.
There’s still some pain, but not as much as I would haveexpected.
I try to relax, taking deep breaths, when there’s a knock at thedoor.
Fuck!I slide my fingersout.
“Come on, Jesse. Quit jerking off,” Ty says as he knocksagain.
His tone suggests he’s joking around, but if he knew what I was really up to, God, he’d fuckingflip.
I close my laptop so that he can’t, in any way, come in and see what I’ve been looking up. I tuck away my lube in my travel kit, which I slide into the nightstanddrawer.
“Seriously, anytime,” Ty says before knockingagain.
“Coming,” I tell him, the way I might have told my adoptive parents when they had disturbed a similar sort of moment when I wasyounger.
I slide into a pair of shorts, fastening the fly before opening thedoor.
“Jesus Christ, that took you for fucking ever. I hope you had a goodtime.”
“Whatever. I was actually doing that, dude, so you could have given me aminute.”
