“I’m glad. You seem like you’re feeling a lot better. What happened last night and today…you don’t have to say anything you’re not ready to say. Shit. I mean, not that there is anything you need to say, but if there was, I understand, and I’mnot…”
His lips curl into a slight smile. “It’s really cute that you’re getting all tongue-tied. I’m sorry if I’ve come across as a bit of anasshole.”
“I haven’t interpreted it as being anasshole.”
“Well, I appreciate you not pressing on this subject, and I would appreciate leaving it likethis.”
“What do you mean by that?” I ask, worried that he’s suggesting something more than just what he has from hispast.
“Nothing about us. I’m very happy with us. The reason I wanted you to stay is because I don’t want you to be confused about that or where we are. I feel the exact same way about you as I did yesterday when we talked about telling Ty, which I still think we need to do when he gets back fromChicago.”
“I’m really glad to hear that because I don’t feel any differenteither.”
Eric thinks for a moment before adding, “I do want to make sure that we are on the same page with this if we’re going forward. I want to please you and make you happy, and I know that you want to do some things that clearly I’m not capable of givingyou.”
I start to say something, but he puts his hand up. “Please give me a moment to say this,Jesse.”
I remind myself that it’s my job to listen. I press my lips together despite my desire to reassurehim.
“I’ve noticed by the way you are that topping is something that really excites you, something you’re very eager to doand…”
He seems to be fighting to find the next words without directly approaching the subject—what he surely must realize I alreadyknow.
“I can’t give you that. It’s not that I don’t want to. Ican’t. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I know it isn’t fair because that’s not what you signed up for, so if you want out, I will more thanunderstand.”
He doesn’t make eye contact for that last part. I reach my hand across the table and take his gently. I don’t want to do anything wrong, but at the same time, I want to make sure he knows where Istand.
His gaze shifts, and finally he’s looking at meagain.
“I might not have signed up forthis,” I tell him, “but I’m signing up for itnow.”
I hope he understands my meaning…and just how much I meanit.
His face trembles like he’s about to cry again. I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t like seeing him weak. In my mind, he’s this strong, intense man, but this side of him that’s so different than what I’m used to seeing has me concerned. I feel so protective. I push to myfeet.
“Come here,” I tellhim.
He rises and meets me halfway beside the table so that we’re face-to-face. I put my hand on his cheek. It was instinctual, and I immediately think this might not be a good idea, so I pull my handaway.
He seizes my wrist. “No, please,” he says. “That wasfine.”
I put my hand back, and he relaxes his face againstit.
“What are you doing to me, Jesse?” he asks, closing his eyes as he takes a deepbreath.
“Whatever it is, it can’t be anything close to what you’re doing tome.”
His eyes open once again, his gaze darting to my lips, which he quickly takes with his own. As he cups the back of my head, I feel like his strength is returning, and that tension, that uneasiness,dissolves.
His other hand slides to the small of my back. Then he shoves me against the wall, pressing close to me. He pulls away for a moment and says, “I felt this urge to run, this impulse after last night, and I wanted to go, or for you to go, but there’s this other part of me… I’ve never felt like this about anyone else before, Jesse. You get me in a way no one else ever has. You make me feel safe, and I’m sorry if anything I’ve done has made you thinkotherwise.”
He kisses me again and between kisses adds, “Jesse…don’t underestimate what you’re doing tome.”
His kiss brings me some peace ofmind.
We don’t jump right back into anything. I can tell he’s not ready for that yet, which I’m fine with. We spend the night in bed together, holding one another close, his face buried in my chest, his arms around me. In the way he holds me, I feel like there’s a kid in him begging for me to helphim.
I’m here, Eric. I’m here foryou.
