After a few minutes, maybe even an hour, I hear Eric cough before saying, “Thank you, Jesse. Thank you for beinghere.”
Such a simple comment, but it gives me some hope that at least he knows, as shitty of a job as I might be doing of handling this, I care and am doing the best Ican.
I keep trying to go to sleep, but I can’t shake out of my head the image of Eric breaking down. I see him turning white and shaking and convulsing. I see the panic and fear in hiseyes.
Who hurt you,Eric?
42
Eric
The driveback home isn’t nearly as much fun as it was on our way to North Carolina. The frisky energy between us has dissolved, replaced with a coldness. It’s been there since Jesse activated that intense, painful, uncontrollableflashback.
It’s not his fault. He didn’t do anything wrong, but the fact that he’s the one who stirred those feelings in me once again makes some part of me feel a certain resentment toward him. But more than feeling anything toward him, I despise myself. Even after all these years, so much fucking time, that bastard still has this effect onme.
On the drive back, we listen to the radio, Jesse scanning for stations, not listening to his podcasts or rifling through the music selection in myphone.
I appreciate that he hasn’t pushed me to talk, though. I’m not ready totalk.
As we reach my condo building, there’s an awkwardness between us. I want him to go so I can recover, but there’s a part of me that fears that if he leaves, I’ll be pushing him out of my life forever. That this whole stupid situation will have fucked up everything we’vestarted.
We just started using the wordboyfriendand then this? It isn’t fair. Although, when has life ever been fair tous?
“Do you need help getting your things?” I ask him as I pull into my parkingspot.
“No, I can get them. I guess…um…I’ll just go back to myplace.”
His words, his tone, his demeanor, all lets me know that’s not what he wants, but I’m not sure I can handle him in my space right now. I don’t know how much longer the remaining discomfort from last night will linger. I feel numb and in such excruciating pain all atonce.
“I think that would be a good idea,” I say. As the words escape my lips, I realize how heartless they sound. I’m pushing him away, but I can’t stop myself. These feelings that have overwhelmed me are so fucking powerful.Inescapable.
“Do you mind if I come up to go to the bathroom real quick?” Jesseasks.
“No, that’s fine,” I spit out. The innocence of his request—that he even felt he had to ask me—horrifies me. It tears through my defenses, myguardedness.
We’re too close for that. We’ve shared too much. I want to talk to Ty about our relationship, so certainly Jesse can come up to go to the bathroom. It seems surreal we’re even having thisdiscussion.
“Yeah, we can do that for sure. Let’s go ahead and put your stuff in your car,” Isuggest.
We do just that before heading up to myplace.
While I’m putting my stuff in my room, Jesse goes to thebathroom.
I want to fall down and cry. I need to be alone. I haven’t had a chance to let all the pain out because I felt like I had to keep it together for Jesse. I’m not used to not being able to run away from anyone I might affect when this feeling overtakesme.
I need to keep it together a little longer. He’ll be gone, I’ll have my breakdown, and I’ll reach out to him again. This will pass. It always passes, I remind myself. But no matter how much I’ve reminded myself of that, it doesn’t seem to do any good because what I know is temporary and will pass feels like it has always been thiscrippling.
When Jesse comes out of the bathroom, I’m standing in the living room. It’s like I’m waiting to usher him out as quickly aspossible.
I think he can sense that. I want to wrap my arms around him and let him know he didn’t do anything wrong. At the same time, I don’t want anyone to touch me because I feel so fuckingdisgusting.
“I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom,” headmits.
Like when he made that request in the parking garage, once again I feel like he’s broken through my defenses with his innocence. He can’t understand how much I appreciate that, but I feel like it’ll be better for both of us if he at least leaves for a littlewhile.
But what then? I can’t tell him why that happened, yet I know he won’t push. Just knowing that he knows something is more than I’ve had to dealwith.
“I don’t want to leave you right now, Eric.” His voice is warm, his demeanor kind andinviting.
