He thought about all the times his stepdad had talked about the guys who liked other guys. He said they’d go to Hell, that they were evil and wicked.
He liked being around Mason.
Would he go to Hell because of it?
“WHAT’S UP,FEISTY?”MASON ASKED, HOPING TO LIGHTEN THEmood.
Chase faced the pond, watching a male and female mallard lead their chicks across the water. He turned sharply, but his unfazed expression suggested he wasn’t surprised Mason had found him. It was the expression he’d worn since that morning when he’d woken from their experience the night before. Mason detected his confusion, his worry—maybe even regret.
It had bothered Mason just as much.
What had been such a fun night—one that had allowed Mason to set aside his anger and resentment toward Chase—had turned on him and left him uncertain about where they stood and what the night before even meant.
He could tell when Chase awoke beside him in bed that morning that he was just as uneasy.
He could sense his worry before they’d left to work in the parlor, noticing Chase’s discomfort as he scrambled into his clothes and headed off to get ready to milk. Chase managed to avoid him for most of the day. He even snuck off at one point, but Mason was pleased that he knew him well enough to know where he could find him.
Chase looked cautious, as though he didn’t want to talk to Mason. He didn’t have a choice, though, since Mason couldn’t live with the unsettled feeling that overtook him since they’d woken up that morning.
“And here I thought we’d had a good time,” Mason teased.
Chase looked down at his own feet and kicked a pebble in front of him. “You know that’s not what it’s about.”
“Then what is it about?”
“What are we doing, Mason?”
“Standing by the pond trying to have a conversation.”
Chase rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. Last night was… incredible. And it’s everything I’ve been missing for a very long time, but I don’t know that we should have done it.”
“Why the fuck not?” Mason was surprised at the anger in his own tone.
“Really? Do I need to spell it out for you? Maybe something to do with the fact that we’re not together anymore… or that we’ve hardly talked over the past ten years.”
“Eleven years. And you could have talked to me at any point.”
“You could have reached out, but you didn’t because you’re still pissed at me for breaking up with you.” He quieted before adding, “And I still feel like an asshole.”
Mason relaxed. Hearing Chase put into words what neither of them had the courage to say until that moment was sobering.
“Talk to me, Mason. Last night, it was easy to ignore the past because I was so caught up in… you. In everything about you.”
Mason knew it. He could tell by the way Chase grabbed at him and took him that he wanted the experience just as much as Mason did.
“But this morning, nice as it was to wake up with you again,” Chase continued, “I felt just as awful as I did back then.”
“Back when?”
“Don’t make me say it.”
“When you left me?” Mason couldn’t hide his hurt and vulnerability, and he could tell he’d opened a wound within Chase, too, by the way Chase averted his gaze.
“Yes. And judging by the way you said that, you know what we need to talk about. Last night shouldn’t have happened. We’re not okay. Tell me what you’ve really been feeling. Get mad at me for leaving all those years ago. Yell at me, because the silence… and your passive-aggressive comments… are so much worse, and I’ve been dealing with those for years.”
Chase teared up, and it pained Mason to see him like that. He hated knowing he was the reason Chase was hurting. It reminded Mason of seeing him in the kitchen a few nights earlier, or when Ma passed, or when kids had bullied him at school.
Mason went against his better judgment, against his own pride, and confessed, “I’ve been mad. Really fucking mad. I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t been. It was one thing when you got that scholarship to NYU. I understood why you had to take advantage of that opportunity. You busted your butt for three years—loading up on coursework and taking summer classes—to get through school quicker, and I thought it was so you could come back to me. Then when you started talking about law school, what the hell was I supposed to think?”
