“Yeah,” Mikey adds. “We both went into this knowing it was a temporary thing and that we were fine with it staying that way. There's not really room in our lives for each other as it is right now.”
I almost wish he hadn’t said that, but it’s the truth, and I have to accept that now.
Maybe this conversation with Jordan was for the best.
Jordan's expression turns serious. “So,” he drags out. His gaze shifting between us. “I don't have to buy a bridesmaid's dress?”
Mikey laughs, but it seems forced. “No, not today.”
“Well, at least you boys had fun.”
“We had a lot of fun,” I reply, and as I look at Mikey, his expression says it all, that what we shared meant something, but he also looks kind of sad. I'm sure it’s because we’ve just been forced to face the reality that this is all about to come to a screeching halt.
“Well, fuck him,” Jordan tells me. “As soon as he leaves, we’re going out to all the gay bars. We're going to get you some dick. I used to restrain myself because I didn't want to seem gay or anything. Now, I don't give a shit. Let's party to die!”
Mikey’s jaw tenses up, like the thought of me running around hunting for tricks bothers him, but he doesn’t have a right to judge when he’s going to be doing the same thing in Los Angeles.
Jordan takes another sip of his drink. As lighthearted as the atmosphere feels, after all that happened today, there’s a tension between me and Mikey that hasn’t been there before, now that we’ve answered the question we’ve both had but neither of us wanted to ask for a few days, at least.
34
We hang with Jordan a little while longer at Blake’s before Ubering back to Kate’s.
I’m glad I had that conversation with Jordan, but now I’m on edge and want to confront Scott about what he said. Not exactly the sort of conversation I can have with an Uber driver in earshot, though. It isn’t until we get out at the house and make our way up the driveway that Scott, who’s obviously been sensing my tension, turns to me.
“Everything cool?” he asks.
No. Everything’s not cool.
“It bothers me that Jordan didn’t feel like he could talk to me about being gay,” I tell him. “That something I did made him think I would have judged him or thought less of him because of that.”
“Don’t beat yourself up about that. It’s hard enough coming to terms with it yourself, let alone tell other people about it. He didn’t tell me, and I’m gay. You didn’t tell anyone about you being bi.”
“Fair point.”
“And your family isn’t exactly one for talking things through, you know?”
Unfortunately.
As we reach the door, I pull out my key. “Well, I guess tomorrow we should go baby shopping after we finish up the paint job.”
The way Scott looks at me, I can tell he notices I'm not as chipper as I usually am around him.
Truth is, bothered as I was about Jordan having felt like he couldn’t share that with me, I’m just as bothered by Scott’s reply when Jordan asked us about what our plan was after we finished working on Kate’s house. I thought things were going really well, that maybe we could find a way of working out what was starting to blossom between us.
Clearly, I was misguided. Scott doesn’t seem to be interested in that. He was so quick to answer Jordan about it, too. He didn't even need to talk to me or get my feelings about what I wanted out of this.
Although, if that's how he feels, that's his right.
We head inside, and I close the door behind us. I find, maybe because I'm slightly inebriated, I can't let it go. I just have to make sure what he said to Jordan is how he really feels and it wasn't just a quick thoughtless answer he was giving to him, because we hadn't really had a discussion yet.
“Scott. Did you mean what you said to Jordan about not wanting to try anything beyond this?”
If he says no, he says no, but I'm not the kind of guy who's going to lie about how I feel. I may have not even really understood how I felt for a while, but this is probably the most special connection I've allowed myself to have with another human being, and I’m not giving it up that easily.
“Because I would really like to give it a try,” I confess. “We can do something long-distance. We can Skype or talk on the phone or text. I really like you Scott.”
“I really like you, too, Mikey. I've had so much fun every day and night we’ve spent together. You are unbelievably amazing, and you deserve to be with someone unbelievably amazing.”
