“He sure as hell knew when he snatched the phone from me and saw what I’d been looking at. I was stunned. I couldn’t think straight, and I was scared as fuck about what he was going to say. He got quiet, then found Jordan and got him to watch some TV. He said we needed to talk, and pulled me into his office where he told me that I had to keep this a secret from Mom. He said if I didn’t, she would leave and take us and that she didn’t have any money or anything to survive. That I’d be basically making us homeless. He said he was sorry and that it was an accident, and I mean, I believed him. He was my dad. But he kept making it about how I was going to destroy our family if I said anything. I was so fucking dumb.”
“You were a kid,” Scott says. “And he was your dad. You trusted him.”
“That’s not good enough for me. I should have been smarter. I should have thought about it more. But I was so fucking thrown by it when he said all that, and I knew he was wrong. Deep down, I knew. I felt it every night when I went to bed. It was keeping me up, and I was throwing up for the next few days. I worked up the courage and finally told Mom what I found, and I told her what Dad said about us being homeless.”
“Oh my God. Is that when she made him leave?”
I cringe at his words.
“She didn’t leave. She called me a liar. She said I’d misunderstood and all this other bullshit. It wasn’t until a year later that he left with the girl he was cheating on her with. That’s how it all really happened. And Mom, even after how she humiliated me and made me feel like a liar, admitted she knew I’d been right all along, but that she’d needed Kirk. She didn’t apologize or anything. And then when he came back after that girl ditched him, she took him right back. She was never the same after it, though. They fought a lot, but they clung onto each other like the co-dependent scum they both are. So forgive me if I can’t be all roses and sunshine when I see them. They want to pretend that everything’s fine and like that shit never happened, but I just can’t grin and bear it the way I always have.”
“Strength is Within?” he asks, referring to my tattoo, I assume.
“I got that in college when I was finally free of them. Kind of a badge of honor for surviving so many years with them. Putting up with all the bullshit. Made me realize that I can be tough when I need to be.”
“I’m sorry you had to deal with that on your own. Have you ever talked to Jordan and Kate about this?”
“It’s not something I’ve ever been proud about sharing. Not something they should have to deal with. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want her to be here with them.”
“And you don’t think they should know?”
“What good does it do them?”
“I think it might at least help them understand all this pent up rage you have. Know that you’re not being a dick. Although, I think it was clear from what happened in there that your dad was instigating it.”
“I think it bothers him that he knows he can’t control me like he did back then.”
Although, in a way, he still controls me. I have to keep this a secret from Kate and Jordan because some part of me still believes that telling them would bring about the end of our family. I already lost Mom and Dad, so in some ways, I don’t want them to live that same fate.
“I just wish Roger didn’t have to be around him,” I say. “Dad’s—”
“He’s a monster for what he did to you. You’re right to be mad at him. You didn’t do anything wrong. To ask his kid to cover for him… and to put all that pressure on you…”
“I was so fucking dumb.”
“You didn’t know what was going on. And he made you keep that awful secret. And then for your mom to act like that when you found the strength to finally tell her? No, I definitely get why you’re so upset. Thank you for sharing that.”
He’s the first person who’s been here when we’ve had one of those explosions—the first person outside of it who I felt I could open up to about this thing I’ve kept to myself for so long.
I’m glad he came out here to get me. I needed this. I’ve carried this with me for so long, and I haven’t ever shared it with anyone. I think the only reason I even shared it with him was because he found me at my weakest, when I needed someone the most. And I never have anyone there for me.
It’s me against the world. Always has been. But Scott’s friendly and kind, and obviously understanding. And it’s such a relief to hear someone be on my side in all of this.
In some ways, I’m still that eleven-year-old kid thinking that it’s all on me, that I’m the one who’s done something wrong.
“She’s not going to be here forever,” Scott says. “She’ll find a new place soon.”
I take a heavy breath. He’s right, and I know a part of this is me projecting how hard it would be for me to be back in this house reliving all those shitty memories.
“It’s the worst place for a kid to be. It’s not even just the fights they get into… or the screaming matches. It’s the little things. The nagging. The way he talks to her like she’s nothing, and how she nags him with so much hate. You can hear how angry she is at him still when she asks him to fucking take out the garbage. You can hear how much she’s never gotten over what he did to her. You think a kid should be around that?”
“Kate will be here for a few months, maybe, and you know they’re going to try and act a little more chipper around their grandson. They’re not going to be their usual selves during this honeymoon period.”
He’s right. I just need to keep reminding myself that it’s not going to be as bad as I’m thinking.
“It’s more than that, though. I worry about Kate. After what she’s been through, is this really the house she needs to be in? With this bitter couple who remind her that this is what life is? Sadness and misery? Doesn’t she need something positive in her life right now?”
“She just needs a place to stay.”
