“You just don’t know what Mom was like before all that happened. How much she smiled and laughed. How eager she was to play and have fun with us. That’s not the woman she is anymore. She hasn’t been that woman in a long time. I don’t even think you can remember what she was like before.”
“I think we’ve all grown up and realized life’s a little more complicated than that. Everyone stops smiling after a while.”
“Not everyone stops smiling because of some twenty-something assistant that their husband refuses to fire and runs off with.”
Jordan presses his lips together. Whether he’s willing to admit it or not, I’m in the right. He and Kate like to play pretend and act like we’re just an average American family, but we’re not. If we are, America’s fucked.
“Whatever,” I say. “I want to be there for Kate. I called into work today and told them I’m staying. I’m going to help her move her shit out of Lyle’s place and into Mom and Dad’s.”
“You haven’t said anything weird to her about that, have you?”
“What do you mean?”
“She doesn’t need you digging up all that shit about Mom and Dad. We knew that’s what you’d make this about, but—”
“I’m not the one bringing it back up. Her husband having an affair is what’s bringing it up. And you’re blaming me for it?”
“No. It’s come up on its own, but everyone kind of knew, without any of us talking about it, that you’d want to drag all that shit from the past back up.”
I hate it when they all act like it’s in the past, because it’s not.
I see it every time I’m in their house.
I get that it’s easier to act like it isn’t real, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult for me to grin and bear it as I’m subjected to that environment all over again.
“Just don’t flip out when we move her in to Mom and Dad’s, okay?”
I quiet my rage.
I’ve been known to have a temper when I go back home, but between Dad’s attitude and Mom’s uneasy silence, they have a way of stirring all those old memories.
Mad as I am, I know the situation with Scott isn’t helping matters.
On top of the stress of dealing with Kate, what I had initially thought was improving my mood turned into this bullshit with him acting like we did something wrong. And it fucking sucks balls that something that felt so good—and gave me such a feeling of empowerment and ease after such crap news—had to be taken from me.
I had a good time—agreattime—and he did, too. I’m not ashamed of what I felt. The passion. The excitement. I’m amazed it’s the first time I’ve ever felt so aroused by a guy, but for him to want to act like we should pretend it never happened, that’s something I’ve been told all my life regarding this shit with my family. He may have spent the night rubbing me the right ways, but today, he rubbed me the wrong way, and I’m mad as fuck.
“You know what?” I say. “I’d rather not talk about this right now.”
“Good, then can I tell you about how awesome Belize is?”
This is how he always got through the hard times: changing the subject and pretending nothing was wrong.
I don’t like living like that.
It doesn’t feel fair that it’s how I’ve always been expected to act, but I roll with it like I always have. He tells me about his trip, and I do my best to set aside our differences about the family drama even though it keeps playing in my head and making me tense, just as it did when we were growing up.
Once again, I’m playing quiet while the rage against Mom and Dad rises within me, building pressure until it will finally explode, usually on Dad.
When we get back to Jordan and Scott’s apartment, I’m on edge, wondering if Scott’s gonna be there or not. That’s what sucks about him working from home. He’s always around, and I bet Jordan will want to catch up with him, meaning I’ll have to be around him and holding all my anger in—the very thing I hate doing.
There’s no sign of Scott when we enter the apartment.
He’s probably hiding in his room.
“Hey, Scottie!” Jordan shouts. “Scottie, you home??”
Fuckin’ A.
