“You don’t know what it’s like to watch someone you care about,someone who was so happy, filled with life, disappear. She used to bouncearound at parties. She was the girl who would make everyone laugh. That’s how Ifell for her. I was at a friend’s place. There were about twenty people there,and she came up to me and said, ‘You’re cute. Mind giving me a ride?’ I toldher I didn’t bring a car. She was like, ‘Who said anything about a car?’”
I can’t help but laugh even now about how forward she was. Howbold.
“Throughout college, we would go to every party, and she wasknown for this loud, powerful laugh. When people heard it, they would just becaptivated. It enchanted them. Made them think, ‘Who the fuck is this girl andhow is she so fucking happy?’ And we were happy together. I honestly didn’tknow that it was possible to be that happy with another human being, but when Iwas with her, everything was magic. She was a vision. And everything I wantedat the time. But when I got back from Iraq, all I could see was darkness. Andno amount of magic could save me from what I’d become. Day in and day out, Iwatched as the woman I loved tried to reach me. She did everything she could.And after Caleb died…after he killed himself…I realized it was just gettingworse.
“I remember one afternoon, I was just sitting on the couch,staring forward, because like last night, that’s all I could do. I was crippledwith anxiety and paranoia. I was paralyzed by this fear that had overtaken me.And she sat on the recliner beside me, being there for me, and I just looked ather and saw the dead expression on her face. She told me, ‘I can’t do thisanymore.’ She meant keeping on like that without me getting any help. And thelook in her eyes, the despair in her voice, reminded me of what I had to lookat every morning in the mirror. And you don’t know how horrible it is to ruinanother person’s life until you have to be witness to the pathetic personthey’ve become—the miserable empty void of a person they’ve become because ofyou. So I set her free.”
“You told me she left you,” Jay says.
“She did. After I told her I didn’t love her anymore.”
Tears slide down my face, but I’m not ashamed of how I feltabout Melanie. I’m not ashamed of how I protected her from the person I became.
“It was the only thing I knew would get rid of her. If she’dknown it was just to protect her, she wouldn’t have left. She would have triedto be noble. She would have wanted to be there for me. But I didn’t want that.I didn’t want anyone there. I wanted her to leave so that I could curl up intoa ball and disappear forever.
“I’m not okay, Jay. What you’ve seen are moments. You don’tunderstand how bad it gets, and how much it can take over my life. All thistime we’ve shared has been incredible, but it’s a lie. I’ve been able to slideby for a little while because I was lucky, but just ask my therapist. She knowsjust how bad it can get even in a good year. I’m lucky to be able to make it towork during the really bad periods, but it’s a fight every day to look like I’mnormal. I can do that with employees, but not with someone I care about…someoneI care so fucking much about.”
“You don’t get to make that choice,” he says. “That wasn’t rightof you to make it for her, and you sure as hell don’t get to make it for me.How dare you think that you had a right to decide, after everything we’veshared, that you knew what was best for me? I’m not a child, Reese. I mayfucking act like it sometimes, but I have a choice in this.”
“But I just don’t want you to make a choice that you’regoing to spend the rest of your life regretting. I don’t want you to look backat all your time with me and wish you had been somewhere else…with someoneelse. To feel like you’re dead inside because I killed you. Because I couldn’tbe there for you.”
He tilts his head, a sober expression shifting across hisface.
“Oh my God,” he says. “This isn’t just about Melanie, is it? Youfeel responsible for Caleb’s death, too. Because you couldn’t help him. Andthen you felt like you were doing the same thing to Melanie. Watching her die,on the inside though, and knowing there was nothing you could do because ofeverything you were going through. That’s it, isn’t it?”
I turn from him because he’s so fucking right, but I’membarrassed that he can see through me like this.
He moves toward me, but I back away toward the wall. “Jay,please. I was strong enough last night, but I can’t do it today.”
“Reese, this isn’t fair. I get to choose what I do with mylife.”
“Why are you even talking to me after the horrible shit I saidto you last night?” I ask, looking back at him again.
“Because I wasn’t willing to believe you meant it, and if youdid, I needed you to show me that again to shut down what hope I had that whatwe shared was real. What I felt was real. But now I know it was, so you can sureas fuck bet I’m not going anywhere. Granted, I’m gonna fucking hate you for awhile because you were an asshole, but I’m not leaving.”
“What about me having a choice?” I ask. “Don’t I have a right todecide who I hurt? I’m so tired of hurting people, Jay. And I sure as fuckdon’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not Melanie,” he says. “Melanie didn’t sign up for this.She married you before you went to war. Before you had issues. And what you hadwas bigger than either of you back then, but this…we can work through this.You’re not the man you were back then. You’re getting help now. You’ve madeprogress. And I’ve seen that it gets bad.”
“You haven’t seen how bad it can get. Even this isn’t theworst.”
“Then let me see. Let me decide for myself if I can handle it.Because I do love you, Reese. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feelthis way for another person…love you so much that even after you were acomplete dick to me, it still wasn’t over for me. Let me in. Don’t shut me downnow when we could be so happy together.”
I hate myself right now because I want it so much. I want to bewith him, but I’m still scared as shit that this’ll blow up in both of ourfaces.
“And what will you do when a year from now…or five years fromnow…when you’ve had to coach me out of every panic attack, when you’ve had towake up time and time again to me nearly about to attack you in bed over somenightmare? Melanie couldn’t even sleep in the same bed with me when it gotreally bad. Is that what you’ll do? Or what about when I can’t go out anywherewith you because I don’t even want to leave the bed? How will you handle that?”
He approaches me, not breaking eye contact. Not even flinching.He takes my hand. “Why don’t we find out together?”
The warmth of his touch offers me comfort, comfort I’m ashamedof accepting.
He places his other hand against my cheek, equally comforting.
“Let’s do this together, Reese.”
As he leans into me, I don’t refuse him. I just kiss him. Kisshim because I want his lips on mine so badly. Because a night without him wasalready too much for me. Because even if I’m making the wrong decision here,even if I’m being selfish, I want him more than I can bear. Hearing him offerto do this with me is too much for me to resist. It’s not that I don’t want to bealone. It’s that I don’t want to be without Jay.
Not for another day. Not ever again.
