I’m half-tempted to open it just to pry, but I’m not going todisrespect him like that.
He said she left him because of how distant he became, and shecouldn’t handle it anymore.
Is he afraid that if we really let this turn into something,I’ll do the same thing?
He doesn’t understand how I feel. I don’t give a shit about theepisodes. Even not seeing a fucking show tonight. Does he think I would justleave him when it got hard? Abandon him?
As I dwell on his motives, I’m pissed that I left. I should havefucking stayed and duked it out with him.
Itwas my fight-or-flight response. And damn, am I ever good at flying.
Itwas just so hard to face his rejection. God, I nearly shut down when he pushedme away.
Iremind myself of how much pain he was in when I got home. There’s more to thisthan he’s letting on, and like Charlie said, I deserve an answer. A realanswer.
39
Reese
I feel like shit as I stand in my office, the tension lingeringfrom my panic attack yesterday. It wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t get out of bedtoday. I pushed myself to come in to work because I knew I needed thedistraction. But it was nearly impossible to get out the door. I even had tofucking take an Uber just to get here. I didn’t have the strength to drive.It’s not as bad as I feared, but it’s bad enough that I’m glad I did what Idid. That I saved Jay.
The door to my office opens, and Jay storms in.
Fuck, he’s here? What the hell?
I would’ve sworn after our fight that he would take off. It keptme up most of the night, as I considered calling him again and again,apologizing for what an asshole I’d been. Begging him to take me back. But whatI did wasn’t to make me feel better.
It’s to make his life easier.
As I stand up from my desk, he approaches quickly, as thoughhe’s about to punch me. The veins in his neck push forward. His face is brightred. His hair curls naturally, revealing how little he did to it this morning,reminding me of all those mornings when he let it fall naturally rather thangelling it.
He throws a letter down on my desk.
Melanie’s letter.
I didn’t find it last night after he left, but I didn’t care. Iwasn’t interested in reading it anyway.
“I want you to fucking tell me what’s really going on,” he says.
“We don’t have anything else to talk about.”
“I call bullshit on everything you said last night. Really? Aletter comes from the ex-wife who left you, you freak out over a panic attackand then try to spin it around like the reason you want out is because youbelieve I’ll run when things get hard. I’ve been replaying everything that’sbeen going on between us over and over again in my head, and unless you wereone hell of a fucking actor all this time, I’m not the only one falling in lovehere.”
Shit. It’s even worse than I thought.
“Jay—” I begin. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. I had thestrength to get rid of him once. I was hoping that’s all I would need strengthfor.
“I’m not done talking. Now you be honest with me right now, andtell me what this is really about. Do you really think that I would leave youlike your ex-wife? Do you think that I’m that kind of guy?”
He breathes intensely, as though he just used up an inordinateamount of strength saying that.
Goddammit.
Time for the truth.
“Jay, I didn’t think you’d be like my ex-wife because you’dleave. I thought you’d be like her because you’d stay.”
All his defensiveness. His anger. His tension—dissolves. I’vethrown him. Totally dismantled the only argument that he’d prepared for.
