This is the reality. This is what had to happen.
We shared a brief moment of bliss—a moment where I was free ofthe true depths of my despair, but my moods aren’t ever static. The happymoments don’t last forever. It’s one thing to go to work and push through thehard days there, but it’s another to have to pretend to be okay within arelationship when I’m falling apart inside. A coworker doesn’t care if I’mdistant. A lover does.
I won’t do that to another person. Not someone who I care aboutas much as Jay. It’s wrong. Abusive, even. How could I live with myself if Ihad to come face-to-face with a version of Jay that was as emotionally depletedas Melanie was?
How could I be happy knowing that I did that to my Jay?
Her words echo in the back of my mind:“I can’t do thisanymore.”
It breaks my heart.
Tears into my soul.
You know what you have to do.
I have to hurt him, but better for him to get hurt now and moveon with his life than for me to fill his life with the darkness that consumesme. To let it destroy him, too.
I won’t let that happen. Not to him.
36
Jay
“Feeling any better?” I ask.
It’s an hour and a half until the show. It’ll only take fifteenminutes to get to the Fox, but between finding parking and getting to ourseats, we need to leave soon.
“Jay, why don’t you just go without me? That headache’s gotten alot worse.”
“You need some more ibuprofen?”
“No. I’ve taken plenty. I just…I don’t think I’m going to beable to enjoy tonight.”
When I came in and saw him lying on the couch, I could tell hewas rattled. Considering he was fine at work today, I know something’s triggeredhim. Something changed between the time we got off work and when I got home.I’ve seen how quickly a sound can set him off, but if that’s all it is, whydoesn’t he just tell me? He knows he can talk to me about this kind of stuff.Hell, I’ve seen him have episodes before.
“Did something happen?” I ask.
“No.”
A lie. “You can talk to me if something set you off. That’s notsomething you should be ashamed of.”
“I just don’t want to talk about it.” His tone is severe enoughthat I know better than to push. I can wait till he calms down and this episodepasses.
“We’ll just skip the show tonight,” I say. Sad as I am thatwe’re going to miss something I was so excited about, it’s for the best. Hecan’t handle the show tonight.
“Jay, you should go.”
“I wanted to gowith you. I’m not interested in going bymyself.”
“I’m sorry. I just—”
“No. It’s fine. Don’t feel bad about it. Shit like thishappens.”
I’m frustrated, but I won’t abandon him.
Disheartening as it is that just as soon as we had a chance todo something fun, an episode had to come along and throw a wrench in things. Iunderstand that this is what Reese was talking about. The sorts of issues Isigned up for.
“You really need to go,” he says.
