But the way he’s smiling, I don’t feel like he’s judging or critiquingme. That he likes the slob he’s spending time with.
His expression shifts from amused to serious. “Come on, Jay. Iwant to get to know you. I feel like every time I try to break through a littlebit, you pull away from me.”
“What are you talking about? I’ve told you about my past. Aboutmy dad. My…Todd.”
“I’m totally appreciative that you felt comfortable telling meabout all that. I really am. But that’s not the sort of stuff I’m talking about.I want to get to know as much about you as I possibly can. And that’s a part ofyour life right now whether you like it or not.”
“It’s just not something I’m proud of. I really don’t think youget it. You think of someone’s place as being like yours. Being a goodrepresentation of who they are. Maybe that’s true, but if you see mine, you’llsee it’s a wreck, and…”
“And what? You think I’m going to suddenly hate you because youhave a messy place?”
It’s strange hearing him say it because it’s true. I’m worriedhe’ll think I’m this irresponsible guy…the irresponsible guy I really am. Maybehe’s right. Because the reason I’m scared of showing him isn’t because I fearit’ll be a poor representation of who I am, but a far-too-accurate one.
But at this point, we’re both in too deep, and embarrassing asit is, I want to open up to him. I want him to be a part of my life. Even theparts I’m not all that proud of.
“If you want, you can come with me tomorrow,” I say.
“You sound like I’m making you go to the dentist.”
He rubs the back of his thumb under my chin. “We don’t have todo anything you’re not ready for. But considering we’re boyfriends now, it’snot a big deal. And I do think it’s strange that I haven’t seen your place yet.Don’t you?”
“You’re right. I’m just bad at this whole dating thing. I neverreally had a chance to get good at it.”
“I’m happy to be the guy you practice on,” he says, kissing meagain.
As relaxing as the kiss is, I’m still nervous as fuck about whathe’s going to think when he sees how shitty my place looks.
31
Reese
As we drive to the house he’s staying in, I can tell by howuneasy he looks that this is the last thing in the world he wants to do rightnow. I’m sure he would like to take time to make it presentable, but this isn’tabout what it looks like. It’s not about seeing a stupid room. This is aboutthe things we don’t know about each other, those things that we haven’t sharedwith each other. Things we need to share if we’re going to make this work.Being together isn’t about using a label. It’s about taking steps towardsharing our lives…to see if we really can make this work.
And Jay’s the only person I’ve wanted to make this work with ina very long time.
But I know this isn’t really as much about what he hasn’t sharedwith me as it is about what I haven’t shared with him. What’s itching at myconscience?
And the longer I don’t mention her to him, the more I feel likeI’m living a lie.
I know he said I could take my time, but I want to push throughthese barriers. The more I keep from him, the more I keep him at a distance.And I don’t want any distance between us.
When we arrive at the house in Grant Park, he leads me up thedriveway. It’s a decent-looking place with a trimmed yard. He unlocks the doorand opens it, glancing around. “Charlie?!” he calls out.
What sounds like a chair sliding across the floor comes from anadjoining room. “Oh, well, look who it is. Guess you gotta grab some clothes soyou can play slumber party with your new boyfr—”
Charlie steps through the doorway, his eyes going wide as hespots me. A smile spreads across his face.
“Look at this!” he exclaims.
I can’t help but laugh.
He approaches and Jay introduces us. We’re shaking hands whenCharlie says, “Aren’t you a big hunk of man?”
“And you’re awfully friendly,” I say.
His grin gets even bigger—something I didn’t even believe waspossible.
“I’m just glad you’re taking care of this one. Figure you’ll bemoving in together in no time, but I’m appreciating the cash and the peace and quiet.”
