I grab the back of his head, pull him to me, and kiss him. Alittle more of the tension within me dissolves as I’m absorbed in the ease thatalways accompanies his kiss.
I pull him close. I need him close. I wish we weren’t at work. Iwish this was just another night where we’re lying in bed, clinging to oneanother after fucking. Holding each other close and gazing into each other’seyes. Those moments, beautiful as they are, never seem to last. They come andgo like a sunset. Enchanting just long enough to leave you wanting more, butnever totally satisfying your desire to see its beauty.
We continue kissing until he gently pulls back and asks, “Youokay?”
“Much better now. Kind of a shitty way for the guys to see me.”
He kisses me again, as though he’s trying to distract me from myself-consciousness. And I’m just thankful that he’s here. Not just in thebuilding, but in my life.
I’m thankful that I was willing to give him a chance despite hisattitude and tendency to run.
There’s a knock on the door. “It’s Tyler.”
“You want me to tell him to go away?” Jay whispers.
“No,” I reply. “Come on in!” I call out.
Tyler enters. “Everything okay?” he asks, wearing his concern onhis face.
“Better. Just trying to figure out what the fuck that soundwas.”
“One of the machines shut down.”
“Fuck. I knew those lazy-ass contractors would do something tomess up our goddamn machines.”
“Are you good? Is everything okay?” Tyler asks.
“Yeah. It’s…I have some episodes occasionally…from the war. Ihad my guard down and the sound surprised me.”
It was the kiss. It left me feeling vulnerable, so when thesound came, my awareness of how unguarded I was roused all those defensiveparts of me.
“Guess I need to fix this leg and take care of the machines,” Isay.
“You can sit this one out for a minute,” Jay insists.
“I can check it out,” Tyler follows. “And I can call the repairguys to get them to come back out if you need me to.”
Jay was right. I don’t have to do this on my own, but I can’tshake the feeling that if I don’t tend to this, I’ll let my boss down.
I can’t let anyone else in my life down.
“If you can, look at it. I just have to check out my leg andmake sure I can fix it.”
“Okay. I’ll report back.” Tyler heads out.
Even though I’m still rattled, I’m relieved.
My nightmare finally came true. I lost it in front of the guys,and the world didn’t come to an end. Tyler and Jay didn’t look down on me forbeing weak. They didn’t judge me. They helped me. They were compassionate andunderstanding. They reminded me that it doesn’t have to be me against the worldanymore.
I open my desk drawer and pull out a case with some tools that Icarry to make adjustments on my leg. I set it on my desk and say, “Now, let’ssee if I can fix this mess I made.”
Jay rests his hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“I am now.”
And I’m not talking about the episode, which lingers, and willfor several hours, I’m sure. Just about having someone as amazing as him in mylife. More amazing than I deserve. Amazing as he was today, it only makes methat much more afraid of hurting him. Of watching him take on this burden theway he did today.
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