I don’t ever want to hurt him the way I hurt Melanie. I can’twatch his eyes dull as he gives up on his own happiness because of my pain. Hethinks he knows what he’s signing up for, but he doesn’t. Hecan’t. He’sseen previews of the stretches that can get so bad and unbearable—and can feellike they might last forever. I’ve been lucky since I’ve known him, but my timeis running out because no matter how much help I get or how many pills I take,when it gets bad, it gets so bad. And being here reminds me of how much I couldhurt Jay. How much I could let him down.
I won’t ruin his life the way I ruined hers.
“Hey,” Jay says again, pulling me out of my self-destructivethoughts. Feels like I’ve been trapped in them for hours, but it’s just been afew moments. Shelley and Tyler haven’t even brought the food in yet.
He kisses me softly.
I chase the thoughts away. It isn’t easy, but at least as longas I have my sanity…and this beautiful, amazing man, I deserve to enjoy it. Ideserve to have happiness for as long as I can cling on to it.
28
Jay
I pull away from our kiss and see the ease in his eyes. Whateverthought had seized his attention—trapped him in the past—has eased up, but it’sstill there, playing on his mind. I tighten my grip on his hand to let him knowI’m here for him.
Once we start eating, laughing, and chatting, his tension easesup. He even starts joking around, and I’m relieved.
“Orchids are a lot of work,” Reese says to Shelley, pointing tothe one in the middle of the table.
“I know, but they’re so pretty. My mom used to be a biggardener, and we had so many of them, so it reminds me of home.”
“Reese has a garden,” I say, hoping the conversation willdistract him from the other bullshit he’s dealing with.
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah. Just vegetables.”
“I would love to have a vegetable garden, but I have a hardenough time with the front yard.”
“You do all that yourself?”
Tyler grins. “Yes, she does.”
They start discussing gardening, and I enjoy seeing the lightreturn to Reese’s eyes. Shelley tells a story about a rabbit they had to dealwith in her mother’s garden when she was little, and the moment she’s through,I see that Reese is back. It reminds me of when he recovered from that episodehe had in the break room.
He just needs time. And help.
When we finish dinner, Tyler fixes us some plates of pecan pieand vanilla ice cream.
“Tyler made the pie,” Shelley says.
“Don’t tell them that,” he insists. “They’ll think less of me atwork.” He sets my plate down before me and winks.
“If this pie is half as good as that roast, then it’s great,” Isay.
Shelley smiles at my compliment. “Thank you.”
Tyler retrieves his and Shelley’s desserts before setting themdown on the table so that we can continue chatting. They tell us the story of howthey met, switching up to tell different parts and give the other anopportunity to defend their actions. It’s cute watching them in action, and Iimagine Reese and me being like this in the future.
Is it really possible that I could be the lucky guy who gets tobe with him? It’s too soon to be thinking that far ahead, but I can’t help it.He’s the first guy I’ve entertained the idea of sharing something more with inso long. The first guy who’s made me want to tear through the barriers I’vespent years building up so that I can have a future with him.
“Do you guys like bingo?” Shelley asks. “Tyler and I play at aplace in Midtown every Tuesday night with some friends. We’d love it if youguys would join us sometime.”
“That’d be nice. This martini is amazing, by the way,” Reesetells Tyler.
“Thank you,” he says, his face pink as he blushes.
“And so was the meal…and this pie,” Reese adds. “This dinner hasbeen wonderful. Thank you for having us over.”
