“What is it?” he asks.
How can he fucking read me that well?
I don’t want to say anything, but there’s a question on my mindthat we both need to address before we keep going. “This might sound like adumb question, but do you want to open up the relationship?”
“Is that what you want?” I can tell by his expression that myquestion makes him uncomfortable.
“No, no. That’s not why I’m asking. I wasn’t asking for me. Ijust meant that I want to make sure all your sexual needs are met, and withthat titanium dick of yours, I just…I wouldn’t want to keep you from anything,that’s all.”
“I assumed that we meant we’d be exclusive when we agreedto be boyfriends.” He sounds upset that I’ve even brought this up.
“You’re totally thinking about this the wrong way. I’m gettingeverything I need from you, but if you need to run around and get some thingsfrom other guys, I get that. But I think that I should be able to as well.”
“I don’t like the idea of other guys fucking around with you,”he says quickly. His face turns red and the veins in his neck push forward.It’s like just the thought of me messing around with other people pisses himoff.
“I’m not doing anything with anyone else. And I wasn’t planningon it. I just didn’t want to step on your toes, in case you did.”
“I don’t want that.” His response is quick, definite.
I’m glad he said it, but it stirs apprehension within me aswell.
“Then no, I don’t want to do anything either,” I say.
“You don’t look like that’s what you really want, though.”
“It’s not about what I want.”
I’m not surprised by the look he gives me—confused.
“Reese, I’ve been in enough relationships to know how thingswork. To know that asking for you to not hook up with other guys is like askingfor the sun not to rise. Why spoil what we have going on with rules andlimitations?”
“Are you saying you have a hard time being faithful—”
“No, no. I’ve never cheated on anyone. I just…I’ve been the onewho’s been cheated on enough times to know that it’s just…well, it’s not afluke. It’s something in human nature. Something that I think isinevitable…eventually.”
“Do you really believe that?”
“The most serious relationship I ever had was with this guyKyle. It was in New Orleans. We’d been seeing each other for about threemonths. Had the same conversation. He didn’t want to be in an openrelationship. I thought things were actually moving somewhere. It was so odd tomeet a guy that I didn’t want to just have sex with. I mean, it started outthat way, but then it turned into something so much more serious. We startedtalking. Enjoyed staying up together and chatting about pretty much nothing,and then so much. After we agreed to just see each other, he had to go to BatonRouge on business. He was in accounting for a pretty big firm that had officesthere, and he needed to go help them sort through some paperwork. I didn’t talkto him much while he was there. He was always texting, telling me he was toobusy to chat. I just felt that things were off, and I knew what was going on. Imean, I didn’t want to know, but I did, and it hurt. I thought I’d actuallyfound a good person in the world, and then…Well…After he got back, I did whatany reasonable person does when they’re faced with skepticism. Went through hisphone. Didn’t have any texts, which made me feel like a fucking idiot forlooking. Then a Facebook notification popped up on the screen. New message.Clicked it, and there it was: a thread of messages with this guy he’d been hookingup with while he was gone.”
“Oh, God.”
“He’s not the only guy I’ve met who’s been like that. I told youabout that other asshole. And between that and seeing how I’ve never met anyonewho hasn’t had some story like that, I just know that statistically, that’s howit goes.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that, though.”
“I don’t need you playing like you’re something that you’re not.Clearly you have sexual desires that you weren’t telling me about, and I wouldrather not make the agreement than wonder later on why the hell we did in thefirst place.”
He’s quiet, and it concerns me because I don’t want him thinkingthat I want to run off and hook up with other guys. That’s not what it’s aboutat all.
“I’m sorry,” he says, catching me off guard.
“What could you possibly have to be sorry for?”
“That you’ve been hurt so much. That so many guys have left youfeeling like the world is a terrible place. It doesn’t have to be like that,though, Jay. I believe that monogamy is possible. And I don’t mind being theone to show you that.”
His words dissolve my defensiveness about this. As I gaze intohis eyes, I believe him. I feel so vulnerable. Like I did wearing thosepanties. But just like with those, I want to take a risk. I want to take achance that normally I wouldn’t be willing to take. I want to believe thatReese can prove me wrong, but I wonder if I’m stupid for believing it’spossible.
He pulls me close to him, looking me in the eyes.
