Even worse, I’m scared that I’ll hurt, not just myself, but hertoo. And I’ve already hurt her enough.
I wish I could push her call out of my head so that I can getthrough the day.
I considered not even coming in—taking the day off like I’vedone in the past—but I know where that leads. I’d just lie in bed, my mindwandering through corridors and labyrinths of thoughts that will only bring meshaking to my knees in grief and horror. The past two years, Laura’s encouragedme to work through the pain, and it’s been more successful than trying tograpple with these things on my own. I have her number if I need anything, butshe’s on vacation with her kids in Florida, and I don’t plan on bothering her.
I head into the warehouse, not looking at Jay. I’ve avoidedlooking at him since I left yesterday morning.
He knows something’s up. He can tell I’m agitated, and if anyonedeserves to know the truth, it’s him. But I don’t even want to face thismyself, let alone talk to him about it. I’m just grateful that he’s backed off.All I’ve gotten from him has been a text to ask if I’d be interested in meetingup after work today. I just can’t do it, though.
Not tonight.
It’d be better for me to have him over than be alone, but I’d beuseless to him. Wouldn’t be in the mood for sex or being playful. I’d be in myown world…and he’d be sitting there, watching me suffer. Feeling uneasy. Hedidn’t sign up for that.
“William, do you have the BOLs for yesterday?” I ask as I approachhim. “Just got off the phone with corporate, and they’re trying to find outwhere a couple of shipments went missing. I need to fax that over so they canstop riding up my ass about it.”
“On it,” William says.
Jay stacks some boxes on a pallet. He wipes the sweat off hisbrow, taking a long breath before grabbing the next box and stacking it on topof the last. I imagine his body against mine as he offers me the sort ofcomfort I sure as fuck need right now.
He glances at me, his eyes narrowed like he’s trying to figureout what’s wrong with me, assuring me that he’s as suspicious as I figured hewould be. I avoid looking at him and return to my office.
I keep busy scanning and filing invoices. Soon I hear a knock onthe door.
My body tenses up. “It’s open.”
Jay shuffles in. “Hey, man. You get my text earlier?”
I can tell by his tone he’s worried. I just hope he’s notworried about us because that would piss me off, especially after the pastcouple of weeks—the amazing nights we’ve shared where he’s made me lose trackof all the pain of my past.
“I got the text,” I say curtly.God, I’m such an asshole.
“Oh, okay. I know you said a few days, so sorry, it wasn’t meantto bother you. Take as much time as you need.”
Although I can tell by the way he says it that he’s begging,Pleasedon’t take too much time.
As Jay waits in front of the door, me being quiet as fuck, I’mreminded of how I treat Melanie. Of this part of me that can be so cold anddistant.
“I’ll just leave you to your thing then,” he says.
He starts out, but I can’t let him leave thinking that I don’twant to spend time with him, especially when he’s the only thing that makes anyof this any easier. If there’s anyone I want to spend tonight with, it’s Jay.He’s the only person who can make me feel normal when the fireworks of memoriesconstantly shoot through my brain, scattering and growing into an epic display.He’s the only thing that can pull my attention away from that show to anotherone that is just as explosive when we’re together.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I ball my hand into a fist as I fight myimpulse that just wants to be a recluse and hide from the whole fucking world.
Jay turns around in the doorway, and it’s the first time todayI’ve allowed myself to appreciate that beautiful face. Even covered in a layerof dust and sweat, he’s hot as sin. His lips curl upward. I can tell that he’spleased that I went out of my way to catch him before he walked out.
“I’ve just been so stressed these past two days,” I continue.“I’m doing the best I can, but it’s just a lot.”
He approaches my desk. “Who was it, Reese?” he asks. “I knowthat call triggered something. You’re not okay, and I’m worried as fuck aboutyou. You’re not acting like yourself.”
It reminds me of something Melanie might have said. Words sosimilar. Maybe even the same words on some occasions.
“It’s like you were there one minute and then suddenly you weretransported back to another time.”
If only he knew how right he was. I feel so vulnerable with himbeing close enough to notice. I don’t like feeling weak, but I’ve been willingto risk it to receive all the other benefits that I get from being with him.
“Today’s not an easy day for me,” I say.
Just tell him why.Laura would be so impressedif you could just vocalize it. But as I start to say it, I realize my mouthwon’t open.Fuck.
