Tad
“How you feeling?” I ask as I take Roeder’s seat besideBryce.
Bryce’s arm hangs in a sling. Clearlythat bastard woman got him really good.
He looks at me tentatively. I knowhis expression is about more than the situation that just rattled us. It’sabout our future…if there even is one. After what happened, I know I don’t wanthim to leave me. Not after all we’ve been through. Not when I’ve finallyimagined what it would be like if we were together.
“I’m fine,” he says, though I cantell he’s not. How are we supposed to say all the things that need to be said?How can we discuss what we communicated in moments with glances? In thosemoments where we feared we were about to lose each other forever. It feels likewhat was said in silence was too much for how long we’ve been together, andlike it was irrational to make such silent confessions when we’ve yet toexperience so many things together. When we don’t really know if this issomething that can work out, especially now that his work here is done. Becausehe’ll go back home and then on to his next assignment. And I’ll go on with thisworld that no one can really keep up with—a world that isn’t particularly fitfor anyone else to be a part of.
“Crazy that so much has happened insuch a short amount of time.”
“Right?” he says.
“I guess you’ll be moving on toyour next assignment.”
“I don’t know about that.”
His words give me some hope. Butonce again, I’m not sure if it’s something that I can look forward to when I’mso uncertain about how we can make this work. “Bryce,” I begin.
“Don’t,” he says. “I don’t knowwhat the fuck is going on, but I meant what I said on the ice last night. Iwant to see if this will work. If you want the same thing, that is.”
I’m relieved. “That would benice.”
“I’ll have to head back to DC fora few days to settle this investigation, and after that, well, I have some freetime before I have to start working an assignment again.”
I want to tell him that I’ll justleave the NFL. That I’ll quit now, take my money, and run.
But I need to think about this.It’s a big decision, and am I really willing to walk away from the very thingthat has made me everything that I’ve become? It feels so ungrateful. I’ve beenso fortunate. Kiernan was right. I’ve worked too hard for this, and this is mylife. I don’t know a way to live outside this experience. And what if things don’twork out between us? What would I do? Where would I turn? This shot is so brief,and if I give it up, I can’t come back to it.
“I guess I’ll take whatever youcan give me,” I say.
For as long as we can make itwork.
“Boyfriends?” I ask.
He smiles as though he likes thesound of that. He nods. “Boyfriends.”
***
When Bryce dozes off, I decide I should head out for somelunch. I head down the main hallway and I see a familiar face heading towardme. It’s a face that I’ve missed seeing. The face of someone I wish hadn’t betrayedme.
As Darren approaches, he looks atme meekly, his eyes expressing his apology. And though I have been angry asshit at him for what he did, the fact that he’s holding a bundle of tulipsmakes me want to kiss him for being so adorable.
“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I didn’tcome here to get my job back or even to ask you to forgive me for what I did.What I did was shitty, but I really do care about you guys, and if I’d knownthe truth about your mom, I never would have—”
I hug him and pull him close.
As much as I’ve felt like he owesme an apology for what he did, right now, I’m just relieved he’s here in a timewhen I needed to believe I had a friend and that he wasn’t just with me becauseI was paying the bills.
I’m not cool with what he did, andI know it won’t be easy to trust him ever again, but today isn’t a day foranger or resentment. It’s a day where I realize life’s too short for me to hangon to bitterness and animosity toward someone who has been there for me throughsome of the most difficult parts of my life. Through the craziness of fame.Through my bitter breakup with Jordan Spears. Time and time again he was therewhen no one else was.
I grip his hand and guide him backto Bryce’s room.
There’s so much to say, but thisisn’t the time. Right now, all he needs to know is that he’s welcome back intomy life.
Sixty-Five
Bryce
