“I’m not ashamed of that,” hesays, his expression shifting violently. Like he’s fighting back tears. “I wasthrilled. I was happier than I’d ever been in all the years I stayed with her.Because I finally got to live again, Tad. Because for the first time, I didn’t haveher around making me feel like it was a crime to do anything that could have upsether. I did everything I could. I took her to every therapy visit. Everypsychiatrist. But you can’t force someone to take their goddamn meds when theykeep hiding them and pretending everything’s okay when they’re dying on theinside. You think it was easy all those years? Living in a nightmare? Having todeal with a fucking lunatic and worrying about if she would…”
“Would what?”
“Nothing.”
“Just tell me the truth!” Myface swells with heat from the intensity of my rage.
His expression relaxes. “You don’tremember when she would lose it? When she would snap and just start shakingyou? And she would yell at you. She would call you things, Tad. Things that nomother should call her son.”
Silence.
“I remember.”
I can’t ever shake those memoriesfrom my awareness. Of her wide eyes and scrunched-up face on days when shewould cake on too much makeup but leave her wiry, dishwater-blonde hair tiedtogether like a bird’s nest over her head. She wouldn’t get aggressive whenKiernan was home, but when he wasn’t, she would grab at me and dig herfingernails into my arms, and in one instance when she was furious at me forbreaking a dish, she dug deep enough that she left marks.
She wasn’t okay. I always knewthat. But those moments when she snapped weren’t the norm. More often than not,she was a quiet, reserved woman who wanted to keep to herself. She just wantedsilence. And peace of mind. Things she couldn’t find in her life, and it seemsthat she never found them even when she went off to seek them elsewhere.
“The day she left,” Kiernan says,“when you packed your suitcase, do you have any idea what that did to me? Howcould you possibly forgive her after all the things she did to you? To us?”
I didn’t just want her. I wantedher love. He can’t understand that any more than he can understand that that wasall I ever asked from him, too. It just wasn’t something he could provide whenhe was so trapped in his own greedy, selfish despair over everything in hislife. But it was my life, too.
“I clearly can forgive a lot ofpeople for the shitty things they’ve done to me,” I say.
And I can tell by his expressionthat he gets my meaning. Cruel as I’m being, it’s clear from how I said it thatI’ve never really forgiven him. Not just for how he stood back while Mom was inso much pain, but how he never broached the subject. How he never bothered tohelp me emotionally recover from something that played such an important rolein my childhood.
Kiernan shakes his head. “Thisisn’t right. Or fair to me.” He rushes to the door and leaves.
“Big surprise!” I shout at him asthe door closes behind him.
Big fucking surprise that onceagain he refuses to deal with a situation. He can’t face the pain. He’s alwaysrunning from it. Trying to avoid reality. I know that’s how we made it as faras we did in the NFL. Because he hoped that the more time we spent chasing thisdream, the less aware I’d be of the sadness in our past. Hasn’t ever workedthat way. Because no matter how hard I’ve tried, she’s always there. Hauntingme. Hauntingus.
Forty-Six
Bryce
Once again, Tad takes his aggression out on a punching bag.His sleeveless shirt is damp with sweat.
After he had it out with Kiernan,he hurried off to the hotel gym. I sat outside in the hall for a while,figuring he needed to let off some steam, but after about half an hour, Ifigured I should head in and check on him.
When he sees me, he stops andcatches his breath. He has an exhausted expression on his face—one I suspectdoesn’t have anything to do with his workout.
“Maybe you should save some ofthat for next season,” I suggest.
But he doesn’t look amused. “That fuckingasshole. All these years, and he didn’t tell me any of this shit. I had to hearabout it on the fucking nine o’clock news. That’s bullshit.”
He must sense that I’m reluctantto agree because he asks, “You think I was too hard on him?”
“I think you might have cut Debraa break, considering she’s with her mom right now.”
“Herbreakis the reasonwe’re in this mess. If she had been in that interview—”
“I got you out.”
“She would have ended it sooner.”
“How the fuck would she have knownto end it sooner? She wouldn’t have done any better than me.”
He knows it’s true, but he’sdesperate to blame someone for the catastrophe. “Whatever. She can make this goaway. She’ll fix it.”
