He glances at the scar on my cheek,and I can tell by his expression that he’s giving my remark serious thought.
“No one really thinks about thatwhen they’re hurting you, though, do they?”
“You’ve never really talked aboutwhat really happened with Jordan.”
“I imagined Darren would havedebriefed you on that.”
I nod. “I don’t know if this will helpany,” I say, “but with Jeff, there was…an incident.”
His expression softens. “What doyou mean?”
“When we started off seeing eachother, maybe a year into it, he hooked up with a guy while he was at thedepartment. An ex of his.”
Just vocalizing it evokes freshtears. I don’t know why I brought it up. Surely because I thought it might helphim find some ease with all this. Feel like he’s not totally alone in beingfucked over. But at the same time, it just tears through my soul like a fuckingknife because I miss Jeff so fucking much.
“What made you decide to workthrough it?” Tad asks. And it’s a good question. One that I’ve thought about alot of times.
“I’ve just been around long enoughto know that it’s rather silly to ask someone to be faithful forever.Especially with the lives we were living. It was just a little much to expectthat we wouldn’t go off and end up in…situations like that.”
“Did you find yourself insituations like that?” he asks.
“I had opportunities, but Iwouldn’t…act on them like that. Not like he did.”
“Why not?”
“I guess I’m a little moreromantic. Or stupid. Pick one, I guess.”
“I was in the same boat withJordan. This life isn’t an easy one to expect someone to be faithful in. There’snot a lot of time you get to spend together. And there are plenty of opportunitiesto do whatever. And I…I don’t know. Maybe I am the dummy for thinking that itcould be something else. That we could make a relationship like that work.”
“I don’t think that’s dumb,” Ireply. “But I think it’s a lot different having to face one time and having toface…well, what it must have been like for you.”
“Maybe. But I’m guessing even oncewasn’t all that easy…”
I smile bitterly. Because itwasn’t. And because I’m not being all that honest about the nature of what Jeffwas up to. “I guess it’s just so hard when you find someone that you actuallywant to be with and then discover that it might really be over.”
“The guy took a bullet for you, sothat must mean something.”
“It just makes me a little moreconfused than I was back then. Some days I think it might have been better ifhe hadn’t.”
“Do you really think that?”
“I try to avoid thinking about it,but then that just seems to make it worse.”
“Don’t you see someone about it?”he asks.
“I did. For a while. I just gottired of talking about it, I guess. But here I am monopolizing the conversationwhen you’re the one struggling. Sorry about that.”
“Not a problem. Kind of nice notto feel like the only fucked up guy in the room, you know?”
“Yeah. It is kind of nice.”
“I think I want some dessert,” Tadsays with a flashy smile, his eyes watering like he’s about to burst intotears.
It’s a shame. Tonight could havebeen lovely, but instead, it’s been ruined by his run-in with that asshole exof his. A guy who’s now evoked fresh worry and concern in both of our minds.About life. About people. About the world.
He fishes into his pocket andretrieves a small rectangular box covered in Santa Claus wrapping paper.
“Maybe this will cheer you up abit,” he says as he hands it to me. “I know Christmas is two days away, butwe’re not much of a Christmas family, so I figured I’d just go ahead and givethis to you.”
