“Why would you tell me that hedid?”
“It isn’t fair for you,” I say.“To have to live this life. Look at how much it’s done to you already. Theyviolate you. They humiliate you. And this is just the beginning. Every timesomething comes up, it hurts me to see how much it hurts you. I don’t want youto live your life like that.”
“Well, it’s my decision if I wantto live my life like that, isn’t it?”
“And how do we do this? With youin D. C. and me running around playing ball all the goddamn time? You think Idon’t know how that ends? I do. And I don’t want that. I can’t take it again. Ican’t take feeling like the moron who was so foolish for thinking that he couldever make something like this work.”
“You’ve given up without eventrying.”
“Tad,” Kiernan interrupts, “why don’tyou stop beating around the bush and say what you’ve been wanting to say thiswhole time?”
“Which is?”
“That you don’t want this anymore.That you haven’t wanted it for a long time. And that you can’t stand livingevery day as this imaginary version of yourself.”
“But we’ve worked so hard…”
“And we did it, Tad. We got here,and as wonderful as it’s been, if your dream changes and you spend the rest ofyour life on a course that’s not satisfying, what kind of life is that going tobe? You think you’re going to be happy? It’s never going to be easy for you.Not after all this. There’ll always be people wanting to be up in yourbusiness, knowing about the intimate details of your life. But you deserve areal life. With a family. And someone you care about. And without all thiscraziness that has haunted you for all these years. I’ll be honest. I thoughtthis would be great for you. I thought that if we just kept pushing towardthis, then you would forget about everything else. About her. It was great forthat, for a while. It was the best goddamn distraction in the world. But nowit’s just a prison. If you knew how much it hurt your old man to see his childgiving up the one thing in this world that has given him happiness, even justfor a moment, to exchange it for something that hurts him every day, you wouldunderstand why you have to quit.
“I’ve been wrong a lot in my life,but the worst thing I ever did was make you feel like you didn’t deserve tofollow the very thing that makes you happy. To make you feel like it was wrongto be who you are, and I know you may never understand this, but I just did itbecause I cared so much about you, and I’m so sorry if I ever made you feellike there was something wrong with you. It wasn’t you I had a problem with. Justthis horrible world we live in.”
The tears rushing down my face arebeyond my control, and I’m not going to stop them. It isn’t just his selflesswords, but hearing his acceptance of something that has played out over andover again in my mind—that feeling of his disapproval. Of his contempt. In amoment, he washes away those deep wounds I’ve carried with me—ones that havehounded me.
As I look back to Bryce, I can seehis uneasiness about being present for Kiernan’s sincere words—words that feelas though they should have been just between the two of us.
Seventy-Three
Bryce
That fucking moron.
How dare he try to make thisdecision for me? And to lie to me about what happened between him and Jordanwhen he knew about how much Jeff ripped my heart apart with his betrayal justfeels cruel.
But seeing him now, tearsstreaming down as Kiernan confesses his love for and appreciation of his sonwhile practically demanding he give up the very thing that has caused him somuch grief for so long is heart-wrenching, and I can’t help but see my Tad asthe child he really is. The fearful, worried, stressed-out child just lookingfor his father’s approval. The child who has finally received it from the manwho has withheld it for so long, not because he didn’t love his son, butbecause it just hasn’t been his way, and because he has finally seen howmisguided all his efforts to shield his son from the world have been.
“Don’t take any more contracts,Tad,” Kiernan says. “Go. Figure out who the fuck you are outside of all this.Figure out who you really want to be. Life isn’t worth it when you spend everyday trying to figure out who they need you to be so that you can make endsmeet. I know it was rough with your mother, but if you had been there when wewere in love—when I adored her with every part of my being—you would know thatI wouldn’t trade that…or you…for anything in the world. And if I knew that hadto come with the other parts, I’d take them too, not just because I had to inthe past, but because all the other stuff has been so magical, and has given mylife such meaning, that the rest doesn’t even matter.”
“Will you shut the fuck up andjust give me a hug?” Tad asks. He approaches Kiernan and wraps his arms aroundhim as he did when he saw that Kiernan was alive and well after his surgery.
When they pull away from eachother, Kiernan has a tear running down his cheek, matching Tad’s.
“But don’t be starting aboutmarriage and crap because I just don’t think I can handle that right now.”
I laugh. And I appreciate thelevity to break up the otherwise serious day that we’ve had.
“I doubt you’ll have to worryabout that for a while,” I say. “At least until I find a way to forgive yourson for being a complete asshole.”
Tad turns to me, guilt in hisexpression. “I just—”
“You thought it’d be easier. Andyou thought we wouldn’t have to get hurt, but life isn’t about not gettinghurt. Haven’t you played enough games to realize that life isn’t worth it ifyou never take any risks?”
“I’m sorry. I just wanted to dowhat was best for everyone.”
“You wanted to do what would hurtthe least. But Tad, we’ve already survived enough shit to know that regardlessof how this goes down, we’re going to make it. I don’t mind throwing myselfinto this and knowing that I might get beaten and battered and hurt…becausethat’s how relationships work. They aren’t always easy. And they aren’t alwaysfun. They’re sacrifice and pain. They’re a constant battle, but mad as Ifucking am with you right now, I think it’s a battle worth fighting. Don’t youget it by now? I love you, you fucking dumbass. I’m not ashamed to say iteither. Not after everything we’ve shared. Not after everything we’ve beenthrough together.”
“I love you too,” he says. Heapproaches me, but there’s uneasiness in his eyes. “But the way you said that, I’mhaving a hard time telling if you’re pissed or if you want to kiss me rightnow.”
“A little bit of both,” I say as Iwrap my arm around him and pull him in for a kiss.
