After over twelve hours in thewaiting room, Bryce woke me once Kiernan was taken to ICU. We headed downtogether and waited for several more hours before he finally woke. At first, hewas so doped up with meds that he couldn’t even talk, but gradually, he becamecoherent and returned to being as accusatory as ever.
“Did you think I couldn’t take agoddamn bullet?” he asks. His face is still unusually pale, especially for theseverity of his words, which would usually be accompanied with reddened cheeksand a severe glare.
“For someone who harped on meabout not taking a bullet,” I say, “you sure were eager to do it for me.”
“Contrary to what you think allthe goddamn time, I actually give a shit about what’s best for you.”
I know the truth of it. I’ve beendwelling on that for the past few hours. I always make Kiernan out to be thebad guy. And I know it has less to do with how he feels about me and more to dowith how trapped I feel in this life. How ashamed I am of the idea of lettinghim down the way I did so many years ago when I told him how I felt about guys.
“I know that,” I reply. It’s morethan I’ve given him in a long time, and I can tell by his soft expression thathe appreciates it.
Being in this weakened state musthave made him vulnerable, and I’m not sure I can handle that. I need him to betough, because right now, I feel like I’m about to fall apart.
“Who was that crazy?” Kiernanasks.
“A girl who saw Frazier’sinterview the other night. Evidently, she believed God had led her to watch hisinterview. She believed she was chosen to finish what the Fraziers couldn’t.”
We learned the news through Roederduring our time waiting for Kiernan to get out of surgery. Once again, he’sreminded that he had every reason to want me to stay in the closet.
“She sure does have a good aim,”Kiernan says.
“Considering how close that bulletgot to your heart, you’re lucky to be alive right now,” Bryce says.
The sober expression on Kiernan’sface assures me that he grasps just how lucky he is to be here, and as heshifts his gaze to me, he appears appreciative, not just of being alive, but ofme as well. I look away because I can’t handle him being like this. I need himto be strong, because seeing him in this weakened state is unsettling.
Seventy-One
Bryce
Even though the doctors have assured us that Kiernan will befine, I can tell Tad’s worried about him. I totally understand. It can’t justbe about his injury, but also about how Tad feels like it’s his fault becauseof his success…because it’s his career that’s led to this.
A woman approaches the register atthe cafeteria, and as she checks me out, I notice a TV on behind her. I turnedthe TV in the waiting room off since it was just coverage about the incidentand I didn’t want to be bombarded with it anymore. But clearly I can’t avoid itforever.
A picture of Tad kissing Jordanflashes across the screen. It looks recent. In fact, that’s the get-up Tad waswearing at the fundraiser the other day.
I move away from the register and listento the audio, which is so low that I have to stand right before the screen tohear it.
“Bryce Finnegan, who has beenworking undercover to protect NFL player Tad Roarke for the past few months ishis boyfriend, though it’s clear from these images that Tad Roarke might beback to his old games.”
Disappointment ripples through me.
It reminds me of Jeff. How Itrusted him. How I opened up to him only to get hurt.
And I’ve done the same thing withTad.
I’m just done.
I’ve been lying to myself. Ormaybe we’ve both been lying to each other. We’ve been playing house for so longthat I started to believe that we were more important to each other than wereally were.
I feel so stupid for not walkingaway. Now I understand why Tad didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship.Because he knew that he couldn’t do that. He knew that he couldn’t be apartfrom me and remain faithful. And that makes sense. Some part of me believedthat there had to be a way that we could figure it out, but clearly I wasstupid for thinking that could ever happen.
As I return to Kiernan’s room, Tadrises from the chair beside his bed and greets me with a sweet expression. Kiernanis fast asleep, likely because of whatever drugs they’ve added to his dailyregimen.
Tad’s gentle expression hurts me.He seems like a great guy. Why would he do something like that with Jordanbehind my back? Although, considering what happened with Jeff, I guess this isjust the sort of guy I fall for. But I don’t want it to be over. I just wantedus to give it a try, but now I know that whatever I thought was between us wasan illusion, one I was too quick to buy into.
I don’t want to confront him aboutthe picture, but I know that if I don’t, he’ll hear about it and I’ll have toexplain anyway.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, obviouslysensing my discomfort.
