“I am not in the right headspace for this,” I mumbled to myself as I boarded the elevator with the masses of other people who were also headed toward the start of their work week.
As soon as I walked into the customer service department, my mind started yelling for me to turn around and go home. I fought against my thoughts and pushed myself to keep heading toward my cubicle. Once there, I set my purse and work bag on the desk, hung up my coat, plopped down in my chair, and turned on the computer. The sheer number of emails awaiting me when I logged in immediately overwhelmed me.
“I can’t right now,” I muttered, logging out of my email. I wanted to rest my head on the desk. Since I worked in a cubicle and not an office, I couldn’t do that. My space was open to the entire floor. The last thing I needed was people whispering about me more than they already were.
Everyone knew I was pregnant and that I’d lost the baby. I didn’t need them gossiping about the state of my mental health. Instead of resting my head on the desk, I decided to push through my overwhelm and at least try to tackle some of the emails.
By mid-morning, I could no longer deny or fight past the feeling that returning to work was a mistake. The pull of the customers and my co-workers was too much for my fragile state. Right around lunchtime, I stepped into my manager’s office.
“You don’t look good, Bailey,” she stated as soon as I dropped down in the chair facing her desk.
Serena Lowery and I weren’t friends, but as colleagues we liked each other.
“I’m not gonna make it through the day,” I admitted, defeat lacing my tone.
She eyed me. “You wanna go home and try it again tomorrow?”
“I wanna go home and try it again in another month or so.”
She giggled. “I’m sorry. I know you’re serious, love. I just wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
I didn’t respond.
She sighed. “Do you want to head up to HR and see if they can extend your leave?”
“I do.”
“You should do that.” She nodded her head as if she were settling with the decision. “Talk to them about short-term leave. It’ll probably be unpaid, but . . .” She shrugged her shoulders. “If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. A loss of that magnitude is not something you can bounce back from at will. Take the time. Get your mind right.”
I nodded, fighting back tears. When I stepped into her office, I didn’t expect her to be so compassionate. “Thank you,” I choked out over the lump in my throat.
“I completely embarrassedmyself in front of the HR lady,” I told Perkins when she picked me up from the office.
“How?”
“By crying and snotting so hard and so uncontrollably that they wouldn’t let me leave the building until somebody came to pick me up.”
“Damn, was it that bad, Bailey?” Her chuckle was light.
“It was pretty bad. They agreed to let me take a short-term leave of absence. It’s ninety days. They’ll save my job, but it’s unpaid.”
We rode in silence, each of us sitting with our own thoughts. I wasn’t sure what was going through Perkins’s mind, but all I felt was an immense amount of relief at the idea that I didn’t have to go back to the office for another ninety days. Maybe by that timeI could get my life together. I just wasn’t sure how I was going to make it with no money coming in.
I heaved out a sigh. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do without a paycheck. I took eleven and a half weeks off after I lost Hart. Almost all of that was paid.”
She took her eyes from the road to glance over at me. “For real?”
“Yeah, for real. How did you think I was able to be off like that? You thought I was living off my cheating ass husband?”
“To be honest, I didn’t know what your financial situation was. I thought maybe you had a nice savings account or something.”
“I don’t,” I admitted. “Xander spends money as fast as we can make it. Anyway, I get five weeks of vacation, so I used that. Then, I used my sick days and personal days. I have one last check coming. First, I’m gonna have to beat Xander to the bank. Then, I’m gonna have to stretch the hell outta that thing.”
We fell into silence for a few miles. Perkins broke it. “Bailey Boo?—”
“Here you go calling meBailey Boo. What are you about to say?”
She gave a light chuckle. “I was gonna say that while you’re on this short-term leave of absence, you should really consider coming to Jackson Falls.” She kept going before I could interrupt. “I mean, what’re you gonna be doing here? Sitting in Mama’s house watching the snow melt? If you come to Jackson Falls, you can stay with me and the girls in Mama’s house . . . rent free. You could work at Collins’s salon or at the lodge. You could make some money. And you could be surrounded by the people who know you best and love you most.”
