Ten
Bailey
That weekendmy mom planned a mother/daughter spa date for the two of us. I wasn’t caught off guard. Once Bright told me that he mentioned I was upset to Bayliss, I expected to hear from my mom. I was thankful that she suggested massages. I was carrying hella stress in my shoulders and neck.
I lay on the massage table and practically melted as my masseuse used her small but strong hands to work out the knots and the tension. The way that I basically tumbled into relaxation and peace was a harsh reminder that I’d been neglecting my self-care. After losing both my baby and my marriage, I should have been on both somebody’s massage table and somebody’s sofa weekly. Bright was right; I wasn’t built to carry the load that I was trying to carry.
After the massage, Alisha and I went to lunch in one of the most upscale restaurants that Red Leaf, Oregon had to offer.
“I know we could’ve done all this at the lodge,” my mom told me as we looked over our menus. “It would’ve been more luxe and I could’ve used my employee discount.”
We both giggled.
But,” she continued, “I wanted to get away from the lodge and Jackson Falls. I didn’t want any small town,everybody knows the Strong family and wants to know their business, prying ears listening. I wanted us to be able to speak freely.”
I nodded.
“I’m worried about you, Bailey Boo. I’m really trying not to be, but I am.”
“Don’t be, Mom. I’ll be fine.”
She eyed me. “That has yet to be determined. What’s going on with the divorce? Is there any progress?”
“Yes. My attorney is just waiting to get the date for the hearing. Once it’s on the books, I’ll go home because I need to be there in person for that.” I sighed. “I need to go home anyway. I can’t hide from my life forever. I called Xander a hundred times the other day to ask him why he showed up at your house. He never answered my calls or called me back, but his mother called me talking about, I need to come get him. I need to work things out with him. The new chick busted him over the head with a skillet.”
“With a skillet?” She clasped her hand over her mouth once she realized how loud she was. “She hit him with a skillet? Wow. I wonder what he did to earn that.”
I chuckled lightly. “I don’t know. All I know is that’s who he wanted and now he has her. Mrs. Eckhart tried to make me feel bad about filing on Xander. Trying to convince me that he was just talking outta his head when he said he was moving on with his new chick. I basically told her that was too bad. He should say what he means and mean what he says. Then she got mad and told me that she should’ve never encouraged him to marry me.”
“I never could stand her?—”
“I know, Mom. It’s okay. I’m okay. I never really felt like he loved me in the way a husband should love a wife. But at the same time, what did I know? I’d never seen a healthy marriage. Even when my dad was married to Miss Eva, they weren’t happy or healthy.”
“I wanna ask you a question.”
“Okay.”
We had to pause because the waiter finally made his appearance. After he took our orders and scurried off, my mother pinned me with a serious facial expression. “Did you marry Xander because you felt like you had to?”
I felt a lump immediately start to form in my throat. I busied myself taking a sip of water trying to force it down. “I don’t think I felt like Ihadto. It was more that I felt like Ishould. I felt like I could be the one to finally break the generational curse on the women in our family. The always having children outta wedlock and the fathers never really sticking around. I thought that I would have the babies and the two parent household. I thought my kids would be the first Kingsley kids to be legitimate. Legally bound to their father and given his last name . . . and not as a first name.”
My mother looked hurt.
“No shade, Mom.”
She took a deep breath. “I know, Bailey Boo. I started that with Perkins. I was so young when I had her that I didn’t realize what I was doing by giving her that man’s last name as a first name. Then, Manuel came into the picture. He begged me to give Collins a regular first name and let her have his last name. I loved him. I didn’t love Steven Perkins, at all. We were young and full of emotions and uncontrolled hormones. We got pregnant with Perkins being fresh”—she smirked—“and nasty. It was different with Manuel. I loved that man. I thought we were the real deal. I thought he would marry me. I told him that if hewanted Collins to have his last name, he needed to marry me. When he refused, I refused to give her his last name. That was petty and spiteful, but I was so hurt that I didn’t know how else to make him feel the pain I was feeling.
“Now, when it came to your dad, I loved Parrish. I wasn’t blindly in love with him, because Manuel really did kill that part of my heart. I gave Parrish what I had to give. It wasn’t a lot and he felt that. He loved me more than I loved him. He actually offered to marry me. He treated Perkins and Collins like his own, but my heart wasn’t in it. In the end, I had to turn him loose because I wasn’t willing to fake it or pretend. Church’s daddy? He was big money and a good time. The pregnancy was totally unexpected and surprising. He was older. Had grown children. Wasn’t really looking to raise anymore and I wasn’t looking to be tied to no old man who was stuck in his ways. Y’all got their last names, and if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t do it that way.”
“Mom, I didn’t mean for you to have to rehash your past.”
“It’s important for you to know why I did the things I did even if I had dumb reasons. That way you’re not making decisions in your life without all the information. I had to have a conversation like this with Collins, too. I don’t want you basing how you move on how I moved. I was confused and clueless. Just out here in life taking up with men and making bad decisions. For the record, the job of breaking the generational curse on our bloodline was never your burden to bear. I’m sorry you felt that it was. I’m sorry you married somebody you knew didn’t love you properly because of a familial obligation.”
“It wasn’t anybody’s fault but my own,” I admitted. “It takes a really big ego to declare yourself thegolden child. To decide that only you canrighta generational wrong. I was so busy judging you, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, and even Perkins, that I fell into a situation that wasn’t good for me.” I gave a fake chortle. “It’s so ironic to me that I thought I wouldbe the one who would have children under the covenant of marriage. Yet, here I am married and completely childless.”
We were both quiet for a moment or so.
“Do you think the marriage is salvageable?”
