My heart constricts painfully. “Yeah, okay,” I say instead of the barrage of words threatening to tumble out. Did he mean it in the hospital when he said I couldn’t push him away? I’m really trying my luck here.
When we’re outside, Brady flips the switch to turn on the hot tub before going to stick his feet in the water. In the short time before I’m mirroring him, the poor guy is about to explode. Keeping things to himself has never been his strong suit, and whatever is on his mind is about to be laid out for all to see.
“Just hit me with it.” My friend glances up at me in confusion. “Whatever it is you want to say, let’s just get it over with, Bray.”
He takes a deep breath while I brace myself to hear how I’ve failed him in recent weeks. Well before that, if we’re being honest. Probably around the time I started making him feel like he was playing second fiddle to his little brother in my eyes.
I don’t regret the way I prioritized Easton, because I’d like to convince myself that it had a positive impact on his mental health and kick-started our relationship, but failing Brady has never come easy to me. For six years, he was the one person I felt like I had a good understanding of. I knew what he needed and when. Could easily tell his mood shifts from little things that most people wouldn’t notice. Then Easton came in and brought all his beautiful chaos with him, and I forgot that while I was the right person to be there for Eas, that meant I was coming up short with Brady.
“I saw you guys last night.”
It takes me a solid fifteen seconds to change conversation gears. “What exactly did you see?”
We didn’t do anything nefarious last night; I crashed out after, like, three minutes of being close to Easton. Brady hesitates. “I tried texting Easton, but after, like, an hour of not hearing back, I figured you guys were asleep, so I snuck in there because I needed my tablet back and… I’ve never seen that before.”
It’s taking all my faith in him to not automatically assume he’s being hateful about something, but damn, that’s a hell of a way to kick things off. “Context, dude. What the hell are you saying?”
Brady huffs. “I’m saying I’ve never seen anyone love you like that, dumbass.”
And he stuck the landing, I think. “Do you feel like explaining to the class? Jesus. You’re never this hard to get words out of. It’s usually the opposite. What do you mean?”
“Look, I know you told me you love him, and you’re the only person I’d trust to be that guy for him. That’s cool and all, but yesterday, I saw him being that guy for you. You, the most antisocial asshole who needs to be reminded to call your mom enough. But last night, I saw my baby brother wrapped around you like a cobra protecting its egg or something, and it occurred to me that you’ve never had your guard down enough to be loved like that.”
I’m stunned into silence as his words wash over me. It’s not like he’s incorrect. Being vulnerable around people isn’t my strong suit anyway, doubly so around potential romantic partners. But hearing it laid out like that is… hard to grasp. “Oh.”
Brady’s shoulder knocks into mine. “I guess it’s really not just you and me anymore, is it, Ace? You found your forever. I’m just a background character now, not your main accomplice.”
My eyes fucking burn. After clearing my throat, I say, “Don’t say that. It isn’t true.”
He smiles sadly, the same emotion choking me reflecting in his warm eyes. “It is. It’s okay. It was always going to happen. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known, someone was bound to realize what you were hiding, eventually. I want that for you, and there’s no one better for you than Eas.”
I laugh wetly, if for no other reason than this is such a different conversation than I’m expecting, and he always has these fucking speeches stockpiled for a rainy day. “Does it have to be like this? There’s been enough sadness between the three of us to last a lifetime. Can’t it be both? You and I have never been the traditional types, so can’t we do this our own way too? Where you are still so important to me and so is Easton, just in different ways.”
My best friend sniffs, but tries to cover it with a cough, making me laugh again. “Is that really what you want? And what about Easton? He may want things to be more separate now, and that’s okay.”
My answer is automatic; I don’t have to think about it. “No. You and him have missed enough time together. He won’t want space like that.”
Brady leans into me. “You sound pretty sure what he would want.”
“I am. He missed you so much, even when he was trying so hard to hate you. You can talk to him about it if you don’t believe me. Normally, I wouldn’t speak for him, but I know he wants to have what you guys used to have back.”
He nods, absorbing it as best he can. Knowing him, me saying it is one thing but actions speak pretty loud in Brady’s world. He’s like Easton in that way. “Since we’re already flaying ourselves alive here, what’s been going on with you? I kind of assumed you were upset with me, but if it’s not that, then what?”
For a long time, he doesn’t say a word. I begin to wonder if he’s just not going to acknowledge it and move on, but eventually he gets it out. “I’m still in that hospital room, I think. I can look at Easton, talk to him and see that he’s okay, but the second I’m not in front of him, I’m right back in that cold room, looking at that damn bracelet Parker made him and wondering if that was it for him. The only chance he had to have fun and let go like he did that day. It’s like he’s still dying. I don’t know how to move on, where to go from here. I saw my worst fear, and it was so close to becoming permanent. How am I supposed to just wake up and have a normal day now?”
It leaves me at a loss for words with a burning sensation lingering in the back of my throat. On my best day, me loving my little brothers is an impression of Brady. It’s such a part of who he is, like being an older brother is one of the most significant qualities of his character. They are two halves of a whole, and neither Callaghan is operating at their best without the other. I would have lost both if I lost Easton. Devastating as it would have been, my best friend is no less permanent in the rest of my life than my partner.
He has to bounce back, right? There’s no way this does him in. He’s Brady. Goofy, golden retriever, prone to dumb arguments and excessive physical affection. I need him to come back. “I haven’t figured that one out very well either,” I admit.
“Logan said I should talk to Easton, but honestly, what would that even do? Out of the three of us, he’s the one who’s actually managing successfully, so why would I try and drag him back down with me?”
“You’ve talked to Logan about this?” I don’t know why, but that hurts. Maybe because Logan is always who I turn to, but Brady has always turned to me. Just one more thing on the list that someone does better than me.
He sounds guilty, but really, he shouldn’t be. By my own admission, I’ve been a bad friend lately. Might as well outsource to an expert. “Sometimes. It only started because she was calling me, worried about you getting too deeply isolated.”
I don’t like that. Like I have some contagious disease and no one wants to admit it to my face, but they still talk about it.
What the fuck is wrong with me lately? I’m not exactly an expert in inner kindness, but this is a lot even for me. “Glad you had someone. Logan is the best there is.” All true statements, but it’s not like I’m saying how bad the words hurt coming out. “Sounds like Easton and Blakely are back from the station. I’m gonna go check on how it went.”
