“Coach, I’m so touched,” I force a smile.
I fold my hands on my laps, hating how they’re slick with sweat. They haven’t stopped sweating and my heart hasn’t been able to beat the same. It’s slow, dead almost, and maybe it’d be better off that way.
I pinch my chain and pull on it and away from my neck before I let it fall. The safety pin softly taps my chest, reminding me of my promise.
“I won’t draw this out or leave you in suspense. You will or should have already received your MLB Draft Prospect Link email.” His lips tip up a little higher, eyes shining with pride. In other words, that link is an invitation and a step closer to entering the MLB draft, so it’s a big deal.
You did it!
I mimic or at least aim to mimic Angel’sexcited but trying to keep it coolposture. Because this is a big deal; it’s something we’ve been busting our asses for since we realized we could potentially make a career out of baseball.
So I should be over the goddamn moon because I’m a step closer to finally making the dream a reality. But as happy as I want to be, I can’t. It feels wrong.
My stomach bottoms out and the protein shake I had before we came into his office threatens to rise. Between the nausea and the guilt-consuming thoughts, I zone out. I hear him go over what’s to come, but I don’t feel like I’m really here.
Everything has gone on autopilot. I smile, shake his hand, and deliver athank youandI couldn’t have done this without you. There are many more words we exchange and then I watch him do the same with Angel.
I don’t feel like myself but it’s not until Coach asks me to stay back and shut the door that I feel like I’m somewhat back to reality.
“What’s going on?” he asks, eyes assessing keenly over me.
You did it!
I smile wider, hoping I’m masking how disoriented I feel. “Nothing, why?”
He tilts his head, crossing his arms against his chest, like he’s not believing me. “You look a little pale. Don’t let this alloverwhelm you. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask for help, Danny. I know it’s a lot of information, but you’ve got me and everyone here ready to help you. We’re all rooting for you and want to see you succeed.”
My chest constricts, but I brush away the discomfort. “Yeah, it’s a lot but I promise I’m good. I think the protein shake isn’t sitting right in my stomach,” I lie.
“Please don’t puke in my office because if you do, I will make you clean it up.” He grimaces, backing away like he’s afraid I’ll throw up any second.
I quietly laugh, still not feeling better, but at least now it’s easier to pretend like I’m fine. “Don’t worry, I’m leaving now.”
Join MLB Draft Prospect Link
I reread the subject line too many times.
You did it!my subconscious voices, reminding me this is what I’ve worked for, what I’ve wanted, what I’ve dreamed of.
My finger glides along the touchpad, and I’m hesitant and anxious about clicking the email.
Making up my mind, I close my laptop instead and shove it back in my bag.
You did it!it reminds me again.Call Mom and Dad. Tell Pen. Answer the guys’ messages they left in the group chat.Angel told them so they’ve been blowing up my phone.
You did it!
I shouldn’t be alone. I should be doing something, right? I shouldn’t be holed up in a room in the university’s library.
You did it!
With each reminder, the air becomes more shallow, the weight on my chest heavier and unyielding, and the guilt all-consuming.
You did it!
I should be happy…
Before my hollow thoughts can extinguish whatever air is left, I toss my bag over my shoulder and slip out of the study room.
