I meant to cook breakfast for her, athank you for letting me stay the nightbut Grayson called me freaking out because he lost his Audemars Piguet watch. I had to go help him find it.
I’m about to bring it up but then I notice her gaze drop to the envelope in my hand.
“This is for you.” I hand it to her.
She stares quizzically at the black envelope with my sloppy handwriting. I practiced writing her name on something else before I wrote it, but it still looks like shit. I’ll definitely do better next time. “What’s the special occasion?”
You being alive. You being here. You letting me in. You.
I want to say all of this, but I don’t know how without making her feel uncomfortable.
“The new year,” I supply instead, tucking my hands in my pockets because what they really want to do is reach out and hold her.
The confusion deepens on her face, but when she opens the envelope and pulls out the card, her lips faintly quirk up and I feel fireworks go off.
Idid that.
I want to capture it with my camera, but I don’t want to make it weird.
I made her a card. On the front of it, there’s a yellow duck with a black top hat, black shades, gold leis around its neck, and a gold fringed noisemaker hanging from its beak. Next to it, it says,Have a Quacking New Year!On the inside, the duck looks like it’s passed out drunk, feet up in the air, and on the other side it reads,Here’s to making more bad quacking decisions! Happy New Year!Underneath that I wrote,And to making new friends. You can call me Danny now.
She softly chuckles. Holy shit, I made her chuckle.
Breathe. Calm down. She just chuckled. No big deal. No. Big. De—fuck, she chuckled.
Idid that.
“You drew and colored this?” Her voice is in awe, fingers tracing over the duck’s webbed feet.
“Yeah, sorry about the handwriting. I know it’s shit.”
“You think this is sloppy? This is probably the prettiest handwriting I’ve ever seen.”
My face heats.
“Why a duck?” Her gaze casts down, fingers now tracing over the letters.
“You said you like yellow and the duck is yellow and well…you know the card is a given.” I’m speaking too fast. I need to calm down.
“I do like yellow, and the card is something else. Thank you, Garcia.” She doesn’t smile, but she doesn’t have to because I feel the warmth in her eyes. They’re not hardened or vacant. They’re just brown, the prettiest brown I’ve ever seen.
I click my tongue, sighing in feigned disappointment. “So, we’re still not on a nickname basis?”
“It’s not a bad thing, it’s…” Her words are cut short when she spots the little Post-it note I stuck in the envelope. Her breathing hikes and she falters in her step before she resumes walking after she’s done reading the little note. She folds it in half beforeshe tucks it in her black belt bag instead of the envelope. “We should talk about what day or days will work best for you.”
I don’t hold it against her for not saying anything about the note. I know how hard it is for her to open up, to feel safe, to surrender her will to not doing it all alone. I know and I understand but I don’t voice that, I just smile at her and nod.
I’ll be here whenever she’s ready.
But if she’s not, at least she knows I’m here because that’s what I wrote.
I’m here for you. I see you. You’re not alone. I’m so happy you’re here, Jos!
17
JOSEFINE
“You’re back.”The employee at Coastal Swim and Surf says as I set the foam kickboard and goggles on the counter. I’m pretty certain they’re the same ones I returned. “Change your mind?”
