I hold her, wishing I could take all her pain away. I hold her like my life depends on it. I’ll hold her until morning if I have to. I’ll keep holding her until I can’t any longer because how the fuck am I supposed to let go?
“Please don’t go. Please don’t go. Please don’t go…” I repeatedly beg, hoping, praying, wishing she can hear me, understand me, and not let go.
“Pleasedon’t go,” I punctuate strongly but softly. I plead with everything I’ve got because my words are all I have. I don’t know what else to offer, what else to give to her in hopes she won’t go. “Please, please,pleasedon’t go.” My heart is close to imploding. It’s so goddamn loud, I can’t hear anything but the beating in my ears. “Please don’t go.”
I lose and stop caring about the concept of time, about how dry my mouth becomes, and how scarily my heart is racing. I stop all together thinking about anything except for the girl in my arms who hasn’t moved.
She stays stock-still in my hold, or at least she was because she soon squirms against me. Her movements are slow, unsure at first, but then she jerks and twists forcefully, rapidly, angrily.Her shoulders ram into my chest, her nails dig into my arms, and her voice is flooded with fury.
“Let go!” she yells. I know I should, but I can’t.
“Promise me you won’t jump,” I eventually say because it’s all I can muster.
She grunts, still fighting against me. I’m hardly using any of my strength, and the thought sickens me at how easily and quickly the current would’ve taken her.
It happens all too fast: I let go and she takes two steps back.
My gaze drops down to my arm where she bit me and then at her.
“What did you do?” she shouts with anguish. “I didn’t ask you to save me! I didn’t want…” Her voice breaks, but she breathes heavy as if she were trying to mask her pain.
“No, you didn’t, but I wasn’t going to—” I stop mid-sentence as she approaches me.
Her strides eat up the space until she’s in front of me. I’m happy she’s not attempting to jump, but then I understand why.
She raises her fists and slams them against my chest. Over and over, she hits me, and I could stop her, but I don’t. I let her hit me. I let her take out all her anger on me.
“I was ready! I didn’t want to be here anymore! What the fuck did you do! What did you do! What did you do!” She delivers each blow with so much vehemence, but it’s not the anger I feel; it’s pain, so much pain. I feel it in the way her guttural voice becomes high-pitched, the way her fists aren’t as heavy as they were, and the way her body sags. “What…” She chokes on a sob, heaving as though her lungs can’t gather enough oxygen. “Did you do? Wh…at…”
The despair in her voice incinerates me whole. I go to grab her arms, but she collapses to her knees, burying her face behind her palms.
I drop to mine, reaching for her. Despite knowing I shouldn’t touch her, I do anyway. I snake my arms around her, carefully pulling her to me, and hold her.
She sobs uncontrollably into her palms, her body shaking aggressively against me.
I let her sadness encase us because it’s the only thing I know I can do. The only way to let her know she’s not alone.
“I couldn’t let you go.” I attempt to swallow past the thick lump in my throat, rubbing small circles on her back.
She attempts to speak, but her words only get drowned out by her violent sobs.
I blink a few times, hugging her as close as I can get her to me.
I hope I’m enough to anchor her, enough she can feel and understand that I’ll be her lifeline. I’ll be whatever she needs me to be if it means she’ll stay and not jump.
I’m not sure how much time passes, but after a little while, her sobs become hiccups and sniffles, and her body on occasion trembles beneath mine. She doesn’t move away; she remains in my arms.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” Her voice is raw and fragile, holding so much sorrow. Not even the water that continuously crashes against the cliffside can scare me this time.
“I couldn’t…” I weakly and pathetically offer because it’s the only thing I’m able to say. Because my mind is scarily playing her standing on the edge like a film stuck on repeat. I can’t shake off the what-if question in my head, wondering what would’ve happened if I hadn’t come here.
A small part of me is angry at her. It wants to ask her—what the hell was she thinking? But the biggest part of me feels so hopeless. I have no idea what to do, what to give, what to say to make sure she stays.
When she pulls back, I hesitantly let go of her. I trace her every move, my eyes vigilant and legs and arms ready to move with her, but she surprises me. She sways to the side, sitting on her ass, legs bent, before she falls back until she’s lying down. Then her legs slowly descend until they’re flat on the ground along with her arms.
I keep my eyes on her and she must know what I’m thinking because she lifts her head enough to look at me.
“I’ve lost the courage to do it.” She sniffles, her voice vacant. “I promise I’m not going to jump.” Then she drops her head, staring up at the dark sky.
