Josie muffles her laugh against my chest. “Maybe we can record it happening and then watch it together. I really hopeI look as good as you’re always raving about.” I hear the mischievous tone in her voice.
She could very well be playing around, but my thoughts derail off track as I picture it happening. I stop breathing and my pulse picks up. “Are you being serious?”
“Mm-hmm. We have cameras, don’t we?” I nod hastily. “So why not? Let’s do it. You’ll be gone soon, and I’ll need something to get off to.”
My cock throbs. “Then we need to make several videos. I want to make sure you have plenty of things to watch while I’m gone.”
She cups my semi-hard dick through my shorts. “What are we talking…bedroom, shower…”
“Pool…kitchen…living room…” I groan, closing my eyes only to open them back up because I forgot about the oatmeal in the pot. I glance at it, thankful I put it on low heat, but still I part from Josie to turn the burner off. “I’m going to call Coach and tell him I won’t be able to make it to practice today.”
I turn, pinning her against my body and the counter before I lift her up and sit her on it. She circles her legs around my waist, slips her arms around my shoulders, and shakes her head.
“You can’t do that. Today’s your first day back and you have a game later today.”
“I’m not playing though.” I peck her lips.
Because I haven’t really trained in a month, Coach and Jarvis thought it’d be best if I sat this one out. They also don’t want to throw me back out there after everything that’s happened.
She draws back, and a small smile curls on her face. “How are you feeling?”
I play with the hem of her shirt as I consider how I feel before I say it out loud. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her. I trust her more than I’ve ever trusted anyone, but my first instinct is to plaster on the biggest smile I can muster and lie. It’s alwaysbeen easier to pretend that I’m fine than to admit that I’m not out loud so I don’t worry anyone. But I know it’s not what I need to do. I need to say exactly what’s going on in my head instead of bottling it up inside. The last thing I want is another panic attack.
“I’m ready to go back and do what I love. But I’m a little anxious to actually be there physically. The guys saw me have a panic attack in the locker room, Coach D’Angelo talked me through it, and then I left. They don’t know what I’ve been going through, only that I’m not okay. I hate that I abandoned them and hate how long I was gone. I know it needed to be done, but I can’t help but feel like I disappointed them.”
She brushes my hair on the side soothingly. “You didn’t abandon them. You needed to take care of yourself, to put yourself first because you never do. I’m sure they know that, and I’m sure they’re not going to be upset because you left. If anything, they’ll be happy because you’re back and you’re okay. I know I am.”
I meet her stare then hug her. “I’m sorry about everything.”
“You really need to stop apologizing. I get it. I didn’t at first because of my own issues, but look at us. You’re not hiding. I’m not running. We’re here, together, and I’m not overthinking your hug and you’re not faking your smile for the sake of pretending to be happy. We’re far from perfect and we’ll never be and that’s okay. We’ll keep working things out, finding out what works and what doesn’t. And we’ll do it together.”
“God…” I clear my throat. “You’re amazing.”
“Thank Jarvis for that. She’s all about embracing my emotions. It still makes me want to throw up, but it’s easy to do with you.”
I chuckle, kissing her cheek. “Everything is easy to do with you.”
Pink colors her cheeks. “Even swimming?” She pauses, studying my face. “There’s no pressure whatsoever. If you don’t want to, that’s okay, but I’d really love for you to learn. Even if it’s not with me. I found someone who?—”
“I’ll do it with you. I can maybe squeeze thirty minutes to an hour a day or something, but we’ll make it work.” I smile and when her gaze drops to it, her eyes light up.
“Really?”
“Yeah, we never got to play Marco Polo and you know how much I love games,” I playfully say but then I get serious. “And you’re right; it’s important and I should learn how to do it. I really want to learn.”
She twirls a lock of my hair around her finger. “We’ll take it slow, but I promise you’ll be swimming in the deep end before you know it. You’re going to do great, and I’m going to be there every step of the way, okay?”
“Thank you.” I rest my forehead against hers.
“No, thank you for helping me fill the emptiness and for being patient with me.”
“You deserve to be happy. You deserve good things, Jos,” I repeat what she said to me.
We hug each other and bask in the silence that follows after until we have to part to get ready for the day.
I’m bombarded by all my teammates the moment I step into the locker room. Hugs and questions get thrown my way. Thankfully, no one asks about the panic attack or sounds disappointed in my leave of absence. They’re just happy I’m back like Josie said they would be.
“Give Sparky room!” Kai yells. “Let him breathe. He just got back.”
