“No, but he’s okay now. I promise, he’s where he needs to be. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. This isn’t just about the two of you. This is more than that. When he’s ready, he’ll be back.”
I want to nod, but I can’t move. “Will you let me know when he’s back?”
His eyes go taut around the corners, lips pinched in a tight line. “That’s why I had also texted you.”
“What is it?” I dig my nails into the heel of my palms.
He shifts his grief-stricken gaze away from mine, like he can’t find the strength to say it while looking at me. “Before he left, he told me…it was for the best that you guys didn’t see each other.” He pauses and steadies his pitying eyes on me. “I don’t know why he said it, but just give him some time and space to get everything sorted out, okay? He’s not in the right headspace. I’m sure it has nothing to do with you.”
My body hollows out, and the last bit of hope I was hanging onto dies. I mean, what did I expect to happen?
“Right. I’ll see you around,” I reply listlessly.
57
JOSEFINE
April 18th
“That’s everything.”Vi slumps down on the sectional next to me.
“I could’ve done that, but thanks.” I don’t look up at her out of fear I’ll cry. We’re only four months into the year and I’ve cried more this year than I ever have in my life.
“Don’t thank me. I would’ve wanted someone to do it for me.”
I couldn’t touch the things Daniel has given me without feeling like I was going to spiral. Every time I attempted to grab something, I was on the verge of losing it. So, Vienna put everything away in the room he had been staying in while I sat it out.
“You really don’t need to be here. I promise I’ll be okay. If you’re here out of fear I’m going to kill myself, I’m not.” My ring easily slips around my clammy finger as I twist it.
“There were a few times in my life when I contemplated it too.” Her words are hushed and reluctant as if she were afraid to admit that.
We look at each other simultaneously. My mouth parts, but I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of pushing her away like I did Daniel. So I stay quiet and nervous.
A solemn smile tips her face, and her eyes grow distant. “It was after Mom passed. I couldn’t cope with her being gone because she wasn’t just my mom but my best friend. Everything I ever did, being the person that I am is…wasbecause of her.” She sighs heavily and I don’t think when I grab her hand and squeeze it. She glances at it and her face softens. “I couldn’t be happy. I tried but I felt stuck and empty. Every time I tried to fill the hole, I kept digging it deeper. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. Until one day, I just thought what’s the point? So I’d think about ending it all, but then something would happen. Like my sister would ask if I could braid her hair because Dad was shit at it, or my brother would ask if I could cook because my cooking tasted like Mom’s. They were constantly asking me to do things, and eventually I realized that they needed me. The sadness is still there—that’s not something I think will ever leave—but I’ve learned to grow with it.”
I’m crying and don’t realize it until a tear slips to my lips and I taste salt on my tongue.
“I’m not here because I fear it’ll happen. I’m here because I get it. I’m here because whether you want to admit it or not, you don’t want to be alone and you’re shit at communicating your feelings.”
“Hey!” I defensively say, but huff a laugh when her face brightens and she gives me a knowing stare. I remove my hand from hers and wipe my cheeks, and she does the same.
“You know I’m right. Communication and feelings aren’t your forte, but you can’t ignore them forever. They’re pesky little bitches; they’ll follow you everywhere you go, and eventually they’ll catch up.”
“I wasn’t trying to ignore them. I just didn’t understand what I felt. That was until Daniel. It was all confusing at first, but slowly everything started making sense.” I stare at the spot where he gave me the flowers. “The emptiness, the dread, the endless loop—it all evaporated like it was never there. He made me feel seen. He made me feel safe. But now that he’s not here…” A black hole takes residence in my chest, sucking the life out of me. “I feel like I’m back from a funeral I can’t remember. I feel stuck again, grieving something we could’ve been. It’s like grieving Mom all over again. Except the difference is that he’s alive. I barely started making sense of what I felt for her and now I have to make sense of what I feel for him. I don’t want to be stuck, but I don’t know how to climb out.”
She embraces me in a hug. “Tell me what you feel.”
“Nothing,” I numbly say.
“No, you do feel something. Tell me what it is. Don’t be afraid. The worst I’ll do is hug you tighter.”
My shaky lips lift a bit before they fall. “I-I feel…”
“Say it,” she softly goads.
“I feel sad. I feel mad.”
“Why?”
