“You need to put yourself first. I need you to love yourself first. I need you to take care of yourself first. You can’t be with me and not do that. You just can’t.”
“I can do both. I can, I will, I promise.”
“I know you will but not with me. I need you to let me go.”
“No, Josefine, I can’t.” My heart accelerates, and my brain fights to figure out what to do, what to say, but she withdraws from me.
“You can and you will.” She smiles at me and those fireworks still fucking blast. “Please take care of yourself.” She kisses my forehead and stands, but I anxiously grab her wrist, drawing her back to me.
“Don’t do this to me. I need you. Please don’t go.” I grind my teeth, wishing the tears would stop, but they won’t, and hers don’t either.
“You deserve good things.” She wipes my tears away. “You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how, but you’ll find it. I know you will.”
She looks away as she slips her hand from mine and walks away from me, not once turning back while all I do is stare at her.
53
DANIEL
April 2nd
“Stop looking at me like that,”I grumble.
Angel grabs my arm, jerking me away before we enter the weight room, and shoves me further down the hall until we’re far away from everyone.
“So we’re not going to talk about it? You’re just going to act like everything’s fine?” The hurt expression on his face makes me look away.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say.”
He grips my shoulder. “I’m here for you. Talk to me.”
“I’m fine.” I shrug his hand away and turn, but he grabs my arm.
“Fine isnot…” He peeks over again, making sure no one is listening. “Drinking to forget. Fine is not someone admitting they’veattemptedmultiple times. That’s not okay and after yesterday, you can be upset. Be mad. Be anything instead of fucking fine.”
Since yesterday there’s this never-ending sinking feeling. Like an aftershock inside my body, every nerve clenches withdread. I’m so overstimulated. I don’t know if I really feel something or nothing at all.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know how to be withouther.
Regardless of what’s going on, I need to keep moving. I need to do something other than nothing or I’m going to crash. There’s this weight in my chest, almost like a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off.
I need her so badly.
“I’m fine.” I plaster on a smile and nod for him to follow me. He doesn’t at first, but a moment later, he’s behind me and we’re walking into the weight room.
My roommates say nothing to me, but I feel their stares. They helped me move out because I physically couldn’t touch anything without breaking down or knocking on her bedroom door to give me another chance.
Angel had to force me out of the house while the guys grabbed my stuff. He had a feeling that was going to happen and called them. They didn’t say anything to me and still didn’t this morning. I can tell they want to, but I’m hoping they’ll stick to keeping their mouths shut.
They do. They say nothing and act no different than they do on any other day. But that doesn’t change how I feel. I can’t hide or shove the dark cloud looming over my head away. But I try hard, I smile, I play along, I laugh, I do it all. It still does nothing for me because once I’m in the locker room after weight lift, I notice how little I feel.
Closing my eyes, I rub my temples and breathe in and out.
“I bet you’re happy, huh?” I hear Bryson’s condescending voice behind me.
“Not right now.” I grab my stuff to shower, but it seems like he’s set on pissing me off because when I turn, he steps closer.
“You think you’re better. You just?—”
