A laugh bursts through my lips. “Reallyfucking good,” I say honestly.
I feel like a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders and for once…I can finally breathe.
“Really fucking good.” I repeat softer. Elijah leans his head on my cheek and we stand there for a while in silence, just basking in the stillness.
47
Tobias
Two Weeks Later
“I can’t help but feel…like I killed him.” I run my finger over my thumb nail, paying close attention to the ridges. The way it feels beneath the pad of my finger is soothing.
“Can you name a few of those feelings?” Mrs. Baker asks, her voice slow and calm.
I blow out a big breath. How could I even put it into words? “It’s a mixture of things, it’s hard to pinpoint one, I guess.” I shrug.
“Why don’t you start with one.”
My eyebrows pinch as I rake my brain. “I guess I feel…relieved,” I answer, truthfully. “But…I also feel really horrible. Ashamed. Proud.” I shake my head, running my hand through my hair. “I don’t know.”
I hear Mrs. Baker take a breath in, closing the notebook sitting on her lap and setting it down with her pen on the side table beside her. “Tobias, it’s natural to have conflicting feelings about Derrick’s death. While he was a dark figure in your life, he also was a big part of it. He made an impact on you whether that be negative or positive.”
I curl my hands into a fist on my lap. I hate the fact that he made an impact on me at all.
Mrs. Baker continues, “I need you to understand, Tobias,” she says, leaning in. “Youdid notkill your father. He put himself on that ice. Every consequence was a result of his own doings.”
I nod my head, trying to soak in her words. “No, I know that. It’s just…” I motion to my head.
She nods, quickly understanding. “Those voices you hear in your head are the rhetoric that he planted there. He spent twenty years throwing phrases at you, it was inevitable that some of them would stick.”
I pinch my eyes shut. “It sucks…” I mutter. “It sounds like he’s right there beside me sometimes, telling me everything is my fault or that I’ve amounted to nothing. Even now…”
“And maybe you’ll hear those voices for a while. Truthfully, it’s going to take some work to rewire what he’s done. But, it’s not impossible. And you’re doing the right thing coming back in to see me.” She gives me a soft smile, making me feel hopeful. “We can work on it.Together.Does that sound good?”
Warmth spreads through my chest.I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that.
A smile creeps on my face as I nod. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
Just then, I get a buzzing from my pocket. Right away, I take out my phone and peer at the message.
It’s a photo from Elijah, sitting in my truck out in the parking lot. He’s making a cross eyed face, with his tongue sticking out like a fool with a message on the bottom telling me he misses my face.
It makes me chuckle softly before I shut my phone screen. In a few minutes, I’ll get to run out there and see him again.
“How’s Elijah?” Mrs. Baker smiles, giving me that look she gives whenever she asks. Like she’s just dying to see us married with kids or something. She wouldn’t be the only one.
“Elijah’s perfect. He’s really been there for me through everything.” I run my hand over my mouth to try and mask my embarrassingly huge smile that appears whenever I think of him. It’s no use. “He’s really good for me.” I nod, a happy laugh breaking through my lips.
Mrs. Baker smiles. “I think you’re good foreach other.” She adds. “Where are you spending the holidays?”
I shove my phone back in my pocket. “At the lake house…er—the boat house.” I correct.
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Oh? I thought it was in rough shape.”
I look down, playing with a loose thread on my jeans. “The fire was quick, but it was caught before it did much damage. Bastard had no idea our next-door neighbor is a fire chief.” I smirk. “Sorry for swearing.”
She waves me off with a chuckle. “It’s warranted. Go on.”
