“I haven’t been sleeping right. I can forget about my appetite. It’s nonexistent.” He runs his hand through his hair, obviously frustrated with this fact. “He’s been digging his claws into me, and he’s not even around. I’m leaving the lights on in the house, thinking he’s here. Seeing people that aren’t there. I feel like I’ve gone crazy.” Tobias swallows deeply. “One night, my paranoia got so bad, I…I went to the bar for a drink.” His eyes flick at me, and I can see he’s scared to tell me what’s next.
I reach out, and squeeze his hand yet again. “It’s okay. You can tell me anything. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
Tobias nods his head, squeezing me right back. “Well…Gabe was there.”
My heart thuds in my chest. My blood floods with ice cold jealousy as I imagine Tobias and him in a booth in my dad’s restaurant.
“He had a split lip and was talking about needing a place to get away. I think someone’s hurting him. Someone who he thought he could trust.” Tobias’s eyebrows pinch as he looks at me, trying to see if I understand. Worry lines spread across his face, and it makes mefeel a deep sense of guilt. I guess I can understand why he’d want to be there for someone who’s been hurt. He’s been there so many times and seeing someone else helpless would’ve spoken to him. “We chatted for a while. Gabe asked me about you. I asked about what he was going through. Derrick’s name came up when he asked about my cut…but,” Tobias sits up more, looking straight at my face. “I promise you Elijah, that was it. All I told him was that he caused this.” He gestures at his eyebrow. “And that I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“You didn’t know how to tell me or you didn’twantto tell me? I could’ve helped. Been there for you. Talked to the police with you. Anything you needed.”
Tobias groans, running his hand down his face.
“I felt guilty, okay? I hate how he still has this hold on me. I just…” Tobias lightly punches his thigh a couple times as he thinks of the right words. “I wanted to handle it myself. I didn’t want you to think I was…weak.”
“Tobias,feeling emotionsisn’t weak. Being scared isn’t weak. Asking for help is not weak. Leaning on the people you love and asking for help is one of thestrongestthings you can do. And you know who taught me that?” I shake him in my arms, making his lips quirk up. “You.Youtaught me that, T.”
Tobias sighs, leaning his head back on my shoulder. “Fuck, okay. You’re right…”
I take a moment to think about what he’s told me. He’s been dealing with so much.
“I want you to talk to me. Even when you’re scared. Even when you think I’d be upset. We have to talk to each other or else—” I urge.
He grabs ahold of my arms around him and tugs so tight, I feel like they might break off. “Don’t say it.” He cuts me off.
I shake my head. “Or else this won’t work…” I mutter, even though it breaks my heart to say it, he needs to hear it. Relationships don’t work if communication isn’t there. “And Ireallyneed this to work, T.” I stress, my voice trembling.
He lowers his head. “Okay…I need this to work too.” He thankfully agrees.
“So…have you heard from him lately?”
Tobias shakes my head. “He’s gone quiet. And honestly? I don’t know what scares me more.” He sighs disappointingly. “The cops have called off their patrol cars so I’m basically alone again.”
I shake my head. “You’re not alone. I’m here and we can get through this together. But, Tobias? We need to talk to the cops. Tell themeverything.” I clarify.
Tobias stills in my arms. “What if I get in trouble for lying to them?”
“You won’t. Derrick threatened you. You were keeping me safe. We don’t know what will help them find him. You may be sitting on some information they need.” I say. “You know what? I’ll talk to Gwen about it. I’ll see if you really will get in trouble or not and we can go from there. Either way, you don’t have to worry about anything.” I go back to threading my fingers in his hair. I feel the stress from his shoulders start to melt into me. “This isn’t a battle you have to fight on your own. I’m here and I’ll keep you safe.”
Tobias shudders in my arms, and it’s only then that I realize he’s been crying.
“I’m not worth it,” he says so quietly, I barely hear him.
I get in close to his ear, so he can hear me loud and clear. “You’re wortheverything.” I repeat it to him until he falls asleep. And I hold him long after that.
33
Elijah
I rub my cheek on his soft hair, as the smell of him mixed with his glorious shampoo floods my nose. It feels like it’s been forever that I’ve gotten to wake up with him in my arms. Seeing him still asleep is such a beautiful sight.
I think he’s been really needing this rest. Sound asleep in my arms, I kiss the top of his head gently as his little putters tickle my chest.
I love him like this. So vulnerable and free. To think of anyone trying to hurt him, just drives me mad.
Which is exactly why I need to step up and be there for him.
I’m solving this, here and now.
