I step back so he can join Lucky, but it’s Lucky who moves away.
“Look after our girl for me.”
Sterling’s hand is warm in mine.His other settles on my back, and I’m trying desperately not to notice every little detail—the buttons at his collar that he loosened during dessert, the heat radiating from him like a sunburn, his grip, his lips, hissmell…
“Missing the city yet?”I ask to distract myself.
The music has slowed, and Sterling moves us in a gentle sway.
“Not at all.”He pauses, corrects himself, “A little.”
I thought so.“Thank you for getting us from the airport in one piece.”
“You’re welcome.I couldn’t let Lucky behind a wheel.”His eyes are always so bright.“Thank you for letting us be here.”
For a second, I could swear he wants to kiss me, but that can’t be right.
I drop my eyes, try to corral my heart back into place.Lucky has started washing the dishes, and I can hear him swapping recipes with Alice while Ma referees.
“What was he like in college?”
“Worse,” he says, and he’s not smiling, but there’s glee in his eyes.
“What were you like?”
“Worse,” he repeats.
I can barely imagine it.“I’m picturing you holed up in a dark corner, planning a horrific fate for anyone who dared disturb you.”
The laughter fades from his eyes.
Oh no.“Sorry, that was a terrible joke.”
“Is that really what you think of me?”
“No, no, of course not.”At least not now.
“But you used to.”
I sigh.Trying to lie to him is impossible.
“I didn’t know you then.You were this super-scary-slash-impressive big-time journalist.In my defense, the whole office was afraid of you.”
“I don’t care about them; I care about you.”
“Well, obviously, I’m not afraid of you now.”Just the super-scary-slash-impressively-big feelings I have about you.“I’m so sorry.It was a really bad joke; I just wanted to make you smile.Can we just forget I said anything?”
I take his silence as a yes, but I know I hurt his feelings, and it cuts deep.I need to fix this, but I’m not sure how.I didn’t know I could hurt him, and now I’ve messed up.I’ll need to ask Lucky what to do.
When the song ends, Pa calls it a night, and I do, too, walking Alice out to her car to say goodbye and get my hands on her treats.
It’s been years since the farm was operational and about six months since Louis convinced my parents to turn the barn into a vacation home.They agreed mostly to keep Louis busy between jobs, but he did good, lots of warm colors and soft touches.The light from the main house gives it a gentle glow, and by the time I step inside, the hum of crickets and smell of new grass soothe over the fraying parts of my soul.
I’ll always have a home here, always leave a part of myself behind when I go.No matter how far away I am, it’s waiting for me when I return.I could do that—come back, save myself more months, years, of wanting what I can’t have.My folks would welcome me.Alice too.
But I’d miss the city like a limb, and I’d be leaving two-thirds of my heart behind.
Lucky and Sterling are sitting together on the couch when I step out of the bathroom.I’m pinned by their joint gazes, a delicate trap I can’t help but feel I’ve laid a hand in setting.
