I kick the sheets off.No.I refuse to let this beat me.
There’s only one thing left to do.
Emma would tell me to think it through, make a list of pros and cons, or at least sleep on it first. But I’m sick of feeling lost, of continuing to go through the motions without knowing who I am.
I have an opportunity here. I either take it or I don’t. Both are infinitely scary. But there’s only one that I really want.
I want to choose myself.
Change has been nipping at my heels, begging for my attention for years now. And I’ve kept it away through a strict diet of guilt and fear. Of the unknown. Of failing. But change didn’t wait for me to be prepared. And it knocked me on my ass, sick of being pushed aside.
So, okay. I’m not ignoring it anymore. Change is here, and I’m ready to admit I need it. This ismy time. My shot. My chance to shed the past, chalk the ground, step into the new season of my life.
RIP to the old, safe, responsible me.
Now I want to experience. To see for myself what I’ve only ever read about. There’s a yellow (blond?) brick road ahead of me, and I want to follow.
If I only get this one chance, I want to be the kind of person who says yes.
Who can rest at the end of it all, knowing I took that step. Ventured. Explored.
I wish Mom could understand.
She gave up time with us so she could put us through school, commiserate with other moms about the lives they put on pause, the vacations they dreamed of, the dreams they let go of.
All the “somedays” and “nevers.”
Well, now is my someday, and I don’t want to let it go by.
I’m done letting her worries become my worries. I’ve spent years doing the sensible thing, and all I’m asking for is this one tiny thing.
I pull the claw clip from my hair, touch the paper-thin ends that fall around my face.
This isn’t just for the Ivy staring back at me.
It’s for the little girl who picked up a brush and practiced interviews before bed.
Who taught herself dance moves and performed at Christmas like it was a world tour.
Who sat in the dark and wondered if her own life would ever be as magical as the musicals she loved.
I couldn’t do much for the little girl I used to be, but I can do this.
As I knew she would, Emma answers before the second ring.
“I’m about to do something wild. Would you come with me?”
“Ivy, you effervescent sunflower. That you could ever think the answer would be a no is an insult.”
I laugh. “I’ll see you soon.”
* * *
It will go down as the perfect day.
The sunshine, the feeling of being on the cusp of a new era. The riptide of a drastic decision made knowing there’s no turning back.
Regret doesn’t have a place here. Not anymore.
