39
Tiff
My mama could tell you that I wasn’t one to waste time.Not on bullies, not on indecision, and certainly not on wallowing.I’d decided a long time ago that if I wanted to be the kind of person who leaped without looking, I’d have to get used to a few bruises along the way.
And because I knew that I’d likely get bruised a lot, I didn’t bother people with my problems too much.They had lives and their own shit to figure out.They didn’t need me coming around every five minutes with whatever clumsy consequence I was up against now.And frankly, I was damn good at being my own savior.
So, I knew I’d be okay this time.I always was.
But even okay people liked a little comfort.I picked up my cell phone.
“Did you have a good day?”Audrey said, teasing, later that afternoon.
I watched my foot tap on the ground.“Hypothetically, if I told you that I had feelings for Sam, would you tell me it was a bad idea?”
A pause.“Wow.Uh … I thought it was just sex.I had no idea.”
I shrugged, even though she couldn’t see me.“It surprised me, too.”
“When you say feelings …”
My heart skipped.I hadn’t said the “L” word to a person in years, always too aware of what I wanted it to mean to want to throw it around.Just the thought of meaning it, of saying it out loud, felt like those final few clicks of the uphill climb on a rollercoaster.
Tick tick tick.
“I like him.A lot.”A fucking understatement for sure, but I didn’t like the idea of saying it before I’d talked to Sam.He should be the first person to hear how I felt.
There was a light giggle from her end.“You know, it’s kind of weird being on the other end of this conversation.Weren’t we just here a year ago?Except it was me freaking out about Jackson.”
“I’m gonna stop you there.I’m not freaking out about Sam.”
“But you’re still asking me for relationship advice, which is how I know this is serious.”
“It is serious.”That, at least, felt safe to say.
“What will you do if Sam doesn’t feel the same?”
My head sagged back against the couch.Of all the things I’d been mulling over since Sam had left, this was the one I kept coming back to.But it was also the part I was most sure of.“I’ll do what I always do.Pick myself up and keep going.”
“You wouldn’t want to fight for it?”
“And what?Convince him to stay with me if he doesn’t feel the same?No, thank you.Besides, I want him to be happy.Fuck, Auds, he puts so much of himself into his work, like everything.And the last time he was with someone, they walked away with all of it.He’s good at hiding it, but I can tell it’s hurting him that he has to start over.I can’t be another thing dragging him down.And I deserve way more than to be pining away for someone who doesn’t want me back.”
“I’m sorry, Tiff.I can’t even think of what to say.”
“That’s ok.I just wanted to hear a friendly voice.Now, disgust me with some sappy story so I can remember that fairytales exist or whatever.”
“I’ve got a better idea.Jace got roped into attending some promotional thing tonight.I could come over with ice cream, and we could watch that sexy demon show you like.”
I burst out laughing.“It’s calledLucifer, but yes, that sounds like a great way to spend tonight.”
Audrey showed up a few hours later, and in that time, I’d watched two and a half episodes of something that I hadn’t paid any attention to, baked blondies, gotten out some extra toppings that we’d need to make spiked sundaes (boozeanddessert?What could be better?), and slipped into my favorite pair of super-soft sweatpants.
As Auds and I curled into opposite ends of the couch, our legs collectively huddled under a handmade blanket between us, desserts in hand, I knew that no matter what happened with Sam, I’d still have this.And I’d be okay.
“Do you regret it?”Audrey asked with a mouth half full of ice cream.
“Quitting or having sex with him?”
