“So you don’t have someone special in your life right now?”
And with a practiced smile and a tightening in my throat, I said, “No one.”
30
Audrey
The sun was warm but not overbearing as I made myself comfortable on the park bench, juggling my take-away coffee as I brought up the podcast app on my phone. I was excited to support Jackson both as a recent fan of his show and as his girlfriend.
Technically, I was on my lunch break. I could have stayed in the office, but it was an uncharacteristically beautiful day outside, and it seemed like the perfect mirror for my joyful mood.
It made me phenomenally proud that he had come up with a way to negotiate for his contract renewal, especially when he’d said it was something I’d said that had helped him think of it.
He kept finding ways of making me feel capable, bringing light to parts of myself I’d learned to shove in a corner and forget. I could barely believe how lucky I was to have found him. To feel the way I did about him. And while I was still too scared to say it, I could feel that four-letter word pressed against my heart, the truth of it sitting on the tip of my tongue.
I was still floating a little on air. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I should probably talk to Jackson about the photos that had been posted of us on social media, but he would have mentioned it if I needed to be worried, so I hadn’t given it much thought yet.
What preoccupied me was wonder at the incredible situation I’d found myself in.
I listened as they started with some fun banter about the show, laughing when they made a dig about Wes, remembering his casual cockiness that second night I saw Jackson at The Basement. I knew Jace was close with the cast, and suddenly, the thought of meeting his friends filled me with excitement. Seeing more of his life, and being a part of it going forward, was something I wanted.
It was obvious the hosts had a great love for the show and the lore, and it was wonderful to hear Jackson indulge in his own enjoyment of it. He’d mentioned to me once that engaging with the show's fans over the little details was one of his favorite things. Most people wrote it off as too low-brow or acted like he should be embarrassed because the target demographic was teenage girls, but he genuinely liked the campiness and said that the cast had a lot of fun playing in the world of the show. I was glad that he had the chance to express that side of himself on the podcast.
When they bought up Sarah’s wedding, I could hear the change in his voice and could practically see the way his jaw must have twitched like it always did when he was holding his emotions back.
My pulse stuttered when they asked about me, and even though it was unlikely, the idea that Jackson might mention me, even if just in a vague way, was exciting. But that excitement curdled when he answered, making it known in two words that there wasn’t anyone special in his life.
Tearing my headphones out of my ears, I robotically took a sip of my coffee, but its bitterness only made me feel worse, so I threw it in a nearby bin. Now that I was on my feet, my restlessness pushed me to walk through the park, unsuccessfully hoping to forget what I’d just heard.
When I remembered that one of the hosts mentioned the fan comments on the photos, I opened Instagram and brought up Jackson’s profile, finding the images in question. There was a war between my fingers and my gut—I knew I was going to regret reading these; no good could come from it. But I had to. Otherwise, I’d always wonder.
I read through the comments section, scrolling through hundreds of them, not being able to stop myself, even as my eyes got cloudy and my throat tightened in sorrow and anger.
View all 4,149 comments:
I … do not care for her outfit …
That angle is doing her no favors
Dam he looking handsome as always
Beautiful couple
She is so cute
That should be me
Who is this woman with my husband?
I thought he dated models? She looks so plain
its a choice that’s for sure
That dress looks cheap af
Yeah, it’s clear what she’s after. J you can do so much better!
Whoever that girl is is lucky as hell
